Frank Marion Burns quotes from M*A*S*H

It's just that you're a joyless person, Frank. You're a D.U.L.

Frank

I'm from a very strict family. We weren't allowed to talk at meals, we couldn't even hum. Anybody who hummed got a punch in the throat.

That's terrible.

Frank

I think that's why I became a snitch, so I could talk to somebody.

You were a snitch, Frank?

Frank

I'd squeal on anybody. Once, in school, I caught my best friend smoking. I didn't report him, and later I snitched on myself for not snitching.

Margaret

Maybe we should talk to her for a second.

Frank

That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.

Frank

Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!

Klinger

Never on a first date, sir!

Frank

Colonel, you are not listening to me!

Henry

Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.

Frank

As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.

Margaret

How splendid, Major.

Henry

Very good, Frank.

Lovely.

Hawkeye

Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Frank

I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.

Hawkeye

Her father was a horse. Did you know that?

Our engagement is off.

Frank

Pierce, you need to sign in upon returning to the camp.

Hawkeye

Hello, honey, I'm home.

Frank

Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!

Klinger

I'm not that easy.

Frank

They're trying to catch us at something.

Margaret

We're not DOING anything.

Frank

Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?

Hawkeye

Will you stick that gun in your holster.

Frank

I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye

I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.

(sees Frank holding a bunch of guns): Burns, didn't I see your face in the wanted poster? Who wants to take first watch over the prisoner?

Hawkeye

He does.

He will.

Frank

I do.

All right. If you don't accidentally shoot yourself in two hours I will relieve you then. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier.

Radar

(waking up North Korean thinking he's Potter): Sir? Sir. Sir. Holy socks! (Bumps into Maj. Burns) Sir I didn't mean to wake you.

Frank

Wake me? You thought I was asleep? No I was just trying to see what our prisoner would do. I flushed him out of the woods.

Radar

Let me help you with your chocolate.

Frank

That's not chocolate!

Radar

Right it's not chocolate.

Mulcahy

(talking about a patient): Is he going to be all right?

Hawkeye

Well, we could be bombed, there could be an avalanche, or Frank could operate on him again.

Frank

Twerp.

You tell him, Ferret Face.

Frank

You're going over my head, Hunnicutt!

Hawkeye

Everything's over your head, Frank!

Frank

Margaret!

Margaret

Stuff it!!!