Frank Marion Burns quotes from M*A*S*H

Frank

That's ether.

Hawkeye

A little louder Frank, the cook didn't hear you.

Frank

[Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."

[laughing] A Yankee Doodle --

Hawkeye

[singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...

...and called her macaroni!

Come on, Frank! Outta the way!

Frank

You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.

Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!

Frank

Over my dead body.

Great idea!

Radar

They aren't gonna like this.

Frank

I didn't come here to be liked.

Radar

You certainly came to the right place.

Frank

I assure you, all goldbricking that went on here under Colonel Blake is going to stop. Under my command, life is going to be a different kettle of fish.

Radar

Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service Sir?

Hawkeye

You know, I never hit a woman.

Burns

You lay one finger on Margaret...

Hawkeye

I was talking about you, Frank.

[Upon seeing Frank in the longjohns.] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.

Hawkeye

Supparating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!

Frank

Wouldn't you like to know!

Hawkeye

[picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are mine you hermaphroditic weasel!

Frank

Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!

Hawkeye

If I didn't think it would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!

Frank

I'll write you every day--faithfully.

Margaret

You promise?

Frank

Just like I do my wife.

Henry

You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.

Frank

Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.

Henry

Well--so much for missing you.

Frank

Are you going over my head?

Hawkeye

No, just through the hole in it.

Frank Burns

What is that?

What is what, Frank?

Frank Burns

Why is someone's appendix in my boot?

Hawkeye Pierce

Because the other one is full of tonsils, Frank.

Captain Hildebrand

Childish. Not childlike, with its connotations of innocence and joyous abandon, but childish. You delight in petty bickering, summer-camp capers, and in general, behave in a manner ill befitting officers in the United States Army, and members of the medical profession. It is, to some degree, understandable. You are, after all, only three miles from the front. You would not be the first people to crack under the stress of war.

Frank Burns

I resent that, Captain. I, for one, have not cracked because of the war.

Hawkeye Pierce

That's true, Captain.

Frank Burns

Thank you, Pierce.

Hawkeye

Frank showed up here cracked, with a Bible in one hand, and a pair of shorts that said, 'Hold Me' in the other.

Frank

I think it ill behooves us--

Hawkeye

Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?

Frank

Who put water in my gun?

Hawkeye

How do you know it's water?

Frank

[After entering the Swamp] Pigpen. Brothel!

Hawkeye

Here, sir!

Yo!