Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Frank

You're asking me to let a pervert out of the Army?!

Hawkeye

Oh, by all means, Frank. Let's leave the perverts in the Army.

Anyway, Klinger's not a pervert.

How do you know?

Because I'm one--and he's never at the meetings!

Hawkeye

[seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.

[pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.

Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."

The wit in this room flows like molasses.

Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.

Hawkeye

Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?

No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."

Sorry to hear that.

Hawkeye

What?

Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.

Are you men doctors?

Hawkeye

Only when the moon is full.

[listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?

Hawkeye

He doesn't even know THAT one. [Radar continues to play.] Radar, if you keep this up, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.

Hawkeye

[Scrubbing up before returning to the OR.] If my hands could talk, they'd scream. I'm raw from all the scrubbing.

Why don't you see a doctor?

Hawkeye

How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?

Frank

[in Henry's office] What if the Minutemen in 1776, on their way to Lexington and Concord, had stopped to worry about . . . toilet paper?!

Hawkeye

So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.

Henry

According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.

Hawkeye

That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."

Margaret

[Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?

The heat inspector!

Frank

You can't come in!

Hawkeye

Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!

Mulcahy

Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for seeing us through this day, and ask for Thy divine help for tomorrow.

Hawkeye

Same time, same station.

Frank

I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.

Let us guess.

Hawkeye

Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?

Frank

No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!

Frank

The man is not normal!

Hawkeye

What's normal, Frank?

Frank

Normal is everybody doing the same thing.

What about individuality?

Frank

Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.

[referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.

Hawkeye

Is this guy available for kids' parties?

Major Burns doctor Surgeon

Hawkeye

Staff paranoid

The Corps of engineers is thinking of making Mash amphibious

Frank

IVe HAD ThAT IDeA FOr A LONG tIme...put everything on Pontoons and head for the High seas

Hawkeye

We CAN CALL ourselves THE titANIC

Margaret

Captain Pierce! Major Burns, acting Commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refused to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.

Hawkeye

Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.