Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

What did he die of?

Myocardial infarction.

What does that mean?

Hawkeye

It means his pearl-handled pistols are up for grabs.

Sidney

Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.

Hawkeye

I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.

Sidney

You haven't got the legs for it.

Hawkeye

Let's make a pact about drinking.

All right.

Hawkeye

Let's never stop.

Hawkeye

Who's yours from, Trap?

My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.

Klinger

(On guard duty at night.) Halt! What's the password.

Hawkeye

(in a threatening tone) Outta my way, or i'll split your head open.

Klinger

...Close enough!

Hawkeye

(After hearing the main dish is liver and/or fish again) ...I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our tastebuds! I simply can not eat the same food day after day. Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver, and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! (to the rest of the mess tent) Are we going to stand for this?! Are we going to let them do this to us?! NO, I say NO! We're not going to eat this dreck anymore! (starts a riot) We want something else! We want something else! (While chanting continues) Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! (protesting continues, then scene cuts to Hawkeye sitting in Henry's office).

Henry

Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!

Hawkeye

(looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.

What's in the package?

Hawkeye

Ribs and sauce from Chicago.

Adam's Ribs?

Hawkeye

You know it?

Are you kidding? I'm from Joliet. I'd walk to Chicago on my knees in the snow for a takeout order.

He's one of you.

How many you got?

Hawkeye

40 pounds.

I'll take twenty, and a quart of sauce.

Hawkeye

Ten, and a pint of sauce.

Twelve, and a pint and a half. And coleslaw.

Hawkeye

We didn't order any cole slaw.

You sent all the way to Chicago, and no cole slaw?

Hawkeye

Forgive us, we're draftees.

Hawkeye

Say "hello," Trapper.

Hello, Trapper.

Hawkeye

Isn't he clever? We had the bolts in his neck tightened yesterday.

Henry's not here.

Hawkeye

Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.

What's the announcement, Radar?

Radar

It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.

Hawkeye

It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Henry

Bring me back something.

Hawkeye

No chance. We're gonna be careful.

Mulcahy

Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.

Hawkeye

Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.

Mulcahy

In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.

Hawkeye

Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.

Mulcahy

Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.

Henry

Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.

Hawkeye

On the teeth?

Right smack on.

Hawkeye

If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

Hawkeye

Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?

I don't know, they both mean so much to me.

Hawkeye

No kidding, let's drink to something important.

To the Ritz Brothers!

Margaret

You'd never know this is an aid station.

Our red cross got blown off with the roof.

Hawkeye

I finally make a house call and the house is gone.