Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

"You risked your life for a . . . a ketchup on rye?!"

Radar

"With butter and lettuce!"

Hawkeye

[regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.

Oh, those I can let you have.

Henry

No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?

Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".

Hawkeye

Thank, you Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a temperature of 109 stroke 10. I'm afraid you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go. Unless, of course, you go first.

Henry

Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?

Hawkeye

[to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to ask you all to take a step up.

Into Limbo!

Hawkeye

No, you can't have any Limbo. In fact, you can't have - anything - stroke nothing, which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.

Henry

Well everybody, happy days, stroke cheers.

Henry

Holy cow! (Reading charges) "Insubordination! Conduct unbecoming officers! Violations of Articles 13 through 27 with a repeat on 26!"

Hawkeye

That must be altering salute by placing thumb on nose.

Henry there's something you should know about those charges.

Hawkeye

Yes. We're guilty.

Henry

I'll tell you what else you are: Your under arrest. General's orders.

Hawkeye

Swell. What do we tell the casualties? We only operate on visiting days?

You gonna lock us up Sheriff?

Henry

If you guys didn't outclass every bit of surgical talent in Korea, your tails would have been in handcuffs a long time ago.

Hawkeye

Henry its no crime, or it shouldn't be for doctors to try to get decent medical equipment.

Henry

Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"? Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC"?

Hawkeye

[during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?

Sidney

Sex.

Hawkeye

Why?

Sidney

I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.

Hawkeye

Thank you, doctor.

Sidney

I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.

Henry Blake

Radar, what's going on?

Radar

It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.

Hawkeye

Sidney, front and center.

Sidney

I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!

You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?

Hawkeye

Every chance that I can!

Henry, the guy could have died!

Hawkeye

He was bleeding, Henry. And Frank, here, who studied medicine under General Rommel was too chicken to operate. He was afraid that under anaesthesia the lieutenant might give away Harry Truman's hat size!

Klinger

Hi sirs, sandwiches from the mess tent.

Hawkeye

Hope everybody likes carrier pigeon.

Klinger

There's ham, chicken, and something brown that just lays there.

Hawkeye

Hold it everybody freeze!

Sidney

What's the matter?

Hawkeye

One of the sandwiches just moved.

Frank

Now be advised, if you so much as touch that man you're violating regulations.

Hawkeye

Frank. We promise to keep saluting all throughout the operation.

Frank

You did it, didn't you? Operated on the CID man.

Hawkeye

Yeah, we thought we'd save his life for kicks.

Henry Blake

Okay the first thing people do in a situation like this is panic.

Hawkeye

Well I think I'm doing it in the right order.

Margaret

Ow! What was that?

Hawkeye

Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.

Margaret

Oh... And I didn't get you anything...

Henry

I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.

It's for the best, Henry.

Hawkeye

Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.