Steve Rhoades quotes from Married... with Children

Steve

So, where you headed?

Peggy

Well, what's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?

Marcy

Greece.

Peggy

That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.

Steve

Listen, Al. Monday, when they check the duty roster, one word is gonna come down from above: Rhoades. And I will have one word for them: Bundy.

Al

Listen, Steve. I didn't take it!

Steve

AL! We're talkin' 20 to 50 with chainsaw killers. And don't think I'm servin' time alone, bunkie. If I'm going to be playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna be passing the soap!

Al

[staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.

Steve

I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

Steve

I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

Al

Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?

Steve

Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?

Al

Oh yeah, yeah, ah...it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.

Steve

WHAT?!

Al

A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.

Steve

I cannot believe this.

Al

Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Steve

What do you mean?

Al

Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and you could come in and say something like "12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.

Al

Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.

Steve

Well, I warned you, Al.

Al

[chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Steve

Hey, Al. Why aren't you at the race track?

Al

The same reason I'm not out dating sleazy blondes. I'm married with children.

Bud

They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve

Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud

Sure.

Steve

Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Oh Bud, I never realized how handsome you are.

Thanks for the TVs.

Bud

Excuse me ladies, it is probably my massuesse.

Bud

Good evening Mr. Rhoades. What can I do for you?

Steve

I wanted to talk to your father. He knows a lot about cars; maybe he could help me figure out why my new Mercedes is getting 3 miles per gallon.

Bud

My parents are not home right now. Steve sees girls on couch Look, I don't want to be a bad host, but if you come later? I think I am close to fully understanding "Hef".

Steve

There is something else I want to talk about. Your father has been recently acquiring a lot of stuff. I want some stuff. How did he come into all this?

Bud

I should not say.

Bud, is this going to take long? We need to go soon.

Bud

OK, Mr. Rhoades, you win. They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve

Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud

Sure.

Steve

Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Steve

So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?

Al

If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

Steve

I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.

Al

Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

Steve

So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?

Peg

How'd you find out?

Steve

Your kids sold you out for a square meal.

Steve

So, what are you gonna do with the money, Al?

Al

What I always knew I would.

Peggy

Al, I heard a strange sound. What is it?

Al

Family, I have an announcement. I have money.

Steve

Okay. We've cleaned out your garage, your backyard, and your attic. So tomorrow you're gonna help me clean out our garage, right Al?

Al

One second...(he puts the box on the table) No.

Marcy

Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.

Steve

Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. It's a plan without flaws.

Al

What about tax?

Steve

You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.

Marcy

Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.

Steve

Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.

Marcy

And audit you for five straight years.

Al

What do I need a computer for?

Marcy

News updates.

Al

Newspaper.

Marcy

Social events.

Al

TV guide.

Steve

Recipes.

Al

[placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.

Steve

Doctor's appointments.

Al

Don't care.

Steve

I'm glad you're in a jovial mood. You fall asleep at the wheel, you roll the van, you lose our supplies, and, thanks to you, we're gonna die.

I want my mommy.

Al

Yeah, so does your dad's brother.