Marcy Rhoades-D'Arcy quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.

Marcy

Oh, of course he is not.

Al

Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.

Peg

What does that toilet have that I don't?

Al

A job.

Marcy

Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.

Peg

Ooh! The ribbed kind?

Marcy

On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.

Peg

You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.

Marcy

Is the captain any good?

Oh, he's fabulous. [leans in] His hands are gentle, but oh-so-rough.

Marcy

I meant, can he fly the plane?

...How would I know?

Marcy

If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.

Peg

You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!

Marcy

Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.

Steve

Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. It's a plan without flaws.

Al

What about tax?

Steve

You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.

Marcy

Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.

Steve

Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.

Marcy

And audit you for five straight years.

Al

What do I need a computer for?

Marcy

News updates.

Al

Newspaper.

Marcy

Social events.

Al

TV guide.

Steve

Recipes.

Al

[placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.

Steve

Doctor's appointments.

Al

Don't care.

Peg

You know, you got a lot of nerve. Did I come over your house when you won the "Woman in Banking" award?

Marcy

Yes, you did. And you stole a whole chicken.

Peg

Yeah, but least I didn't wiggle my butt in front of it when I did it.

Kelly

Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely this evening.

Marcy

Why, thank you Kelly.

Kelly

Can you give me $175 so I can go to a rock concert?

Marcy

I wouldn't loan my own daughter $175. (to herself): Hopefully, I'll like her.

Peg

Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you: Mommy's friends are to loan Mommy money.

Marcy

God, I hate men!

Al

I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.

Kelly

Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.

Marcy

Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.

Kelly

Me? They canned him like a tuna. He was not the one wearing a miniskirt!

Marcy

Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?

Peg

Well, having the kids.

Marcy

No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?

Peg

Having the kids.

Peg

And then of course there's that ten months of pregnancy.

Marcy

Ten?

Peg

Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.

Jefferson

I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.

Kelly

Bye, Daddy.

Peg

No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.

Marcy

Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.

Marcy

"Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?

Al

No.

Jefferson

"Go Tell Pharaoh"?

Al

No! This is a song from my youth.

Peg

"Look, It's a Wheel"?

Marcy

When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.

Al

I didn't steal your bra.