Bud Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Well, that takes care of that. The traps are set, and that mouse has seconds to live. So as usual, it proves that Daddy's life is dirt, and he's defeated the enemy.

Bud

Don't be too sure, Dad. It says right here mice are pretty intelligent.

Al

Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.

Al

Mine's at least twice that size.

Peggy

Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.

Peggy

Kids, I am sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are just some things from childhood you just can't forget.

Kelly

I hope that isn't true, Mom.

Peggy

How about a hug?

Bud

Can't, Mom. You got cooties.

Bud

They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve

Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud

Sure.

Steve

Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Oh Bud, I never realized how handsome you are.

Thanks for the TVs.

Bud

Excuse me ladies, it is probably my massuesse.

Bud

Good evening Mr. Rhoades. What can I do for you?

Steve

I wanted to talk to your father. He knows a lot about cars; maybe he could help me figure out why my new Mercedes is getting 3 miles per gallon.

Bud

My parents are not home right now. Steve sees girls on couch Look, I don't want to be a bad host, but if you come later? I think I am close to fully understanding "Hef".

Steve

There is something else I want to talk about. Your father has been recently acquiring a lot of stuff. I want some stuff. How did he come into all this?

Bud

I should not say.

Bud, is this going to take long? We need to go soon.

Bud

OK, Mr. Rhoades, you win. They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve

Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud

Sure.

Steve

Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Bud

This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?

Kelly

Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

Bud

Hey, Dad. Report Card day!

Bud

I got four A's and a B. But enough about me. [he turns to Kelly] Batter up.

Kelly

I err...I lost it.

Bud

Well... [Takes report card out of pocket] This is your lucky day [he holds up the card] 'cause I found it. Must have fallen out of your purse and accidentally gotten taped under your bed.

Bud

How'd she do?

Al

Uh, erm... F, F, F, D. What happened, Kel, you attend one?

Peg

Just the boys.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

Peg

Just the girls.

You'll never know, dear...

Bud

Uncle Irwin, are you gonna put your head in the salad bar again?

Erm, if you're good.

Kelly

I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al

Peg?

Peg

Well, it's her time of the month, Al.

Al

What the hell did we bring her for, then?

Bud

Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?

Kelly

Your mother.

Bud

Where's Dad?

Peggy

In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.

Peggy

[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] How was it, honey?

Al

I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

Peggy

Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?

Al

No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [Al turns on TV]

And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup, Roseanne and the Emmy winning Thirtysomething.

Al

Bud, did you take my adjustable wrenches?

Bud

(in a sarcastic tone) Yeah, Dad. You're on to me. We've been having these wild parties. Y'know, invite some girls over, turn the lights down low, and gang-fix the sink.

Peg

You look like a fruit, Al.

Al

Thanks, Peg.

Bud

Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.

Kelly

Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?

Al

Hey, kids, whaddya say? You wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?

Bud

We wanna see Tears and Vomit.

Al

Well, you see that when your mom cooks.

Al

I forgot my wallet, Peg.

Bud

He's such a nerd.

Peg

Now, kids, give your father a chance. (To Al) So, what are your going to do, idiot?

Before you see a menu, would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?

Al

Coke.

Peggy

Coke.

Bud

Coke.

Kelly

Jack and a beer back.