Bud Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Bud

Come on, Kel. I did all your chores. I alphabetized all your albums. I even put an "Over One Million Served" sign on the wall above your bed. Now can I stay for your pajama party?

Kelly

No, pus bomb, you can't.

Kelly

Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.

Bud

Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.

Kelly

They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

Bud

Look, Kel. Just do what I do: use your wits.

Kelly

I do.

Bud

I said, "wits". With a "W".

Bud

Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.

Al

Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.

Bud

Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?

Peg

Oh, of course not!

Bud

Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.

Al

What can I do better than anyone else?

Kelly

Stink up a shoe?

Bud

Sweat through the couch?

Peg

Miss the toilet in the dark?

Bud

Oh, Dad. Mrs. Donnelly called and she said her slipper won't fit over her bunion and she wants to know what she should do.

Al

Start walking on all fours the way God intended her to.

Bud

Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?

Al

Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.

Bud

Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.

Al

Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.

Bud

Hi, Mom.

Peg

Hi, Kelly.

Kelly

Hi, Mom.

Peg

Hi, Bud.

Al

Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.

Peg

I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?

Al

Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?

Peg

Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?

Al

Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.

Peg

I want a Cadillac.

Kelly

I want a Ferrari.

Bud

I want a Porsche.

Al

Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.

Bud

Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.

Al

If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]

Bud

Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al

A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Peg

Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Bud

Five bowls a-flushing?

Peg

Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Kelly

Three nose hairs waving?

Bud

Two children starving?

Peg

One untouched wife.

Al

Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?

Bud

Money. I can always rent love.

Al

Kelly, what's the color of an orange?

Kelly

Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

Peg

Al, just call a roofer.

Al

There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?

Bud

Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.

Kelly

Chew Dad's socks!

Bud

Eat Mom's food!

Kelly

So, how'd it go?

Bud

Ah, he's still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom.

Kelly

You mean to tell me he didn't react at all to the picture of you naked? 'Cuz just the thought of it would work for me.

Bud

Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?

Al

Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.