Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

You think I want this? Do you think I appreciate old guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new Grateful Dead album? That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine. They take away the pinball machine...bring in the video game. I do not care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building...unless he was going up there to defenestrate his wife! I do not want a hair salon, I want the barber pole, I want the dog in the corner, I want my hair cut by a man who likes girls but not women.

Al

Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.

Al

I don't wanna have sex with you. You're my wife, for Godsakes.

Al

[ordering dinner for everyone in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al

Bud, you know what I had to do as a kid to earn money to get a jacket? I had to shovel coal, carry ice, dig ditches, pump gas.

Al

Thank you very much, Bundy Glee Club. And, by the way, Peg: way to parent.

Al

There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.

Al

When a Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

Al

[talking to Bud] Son, life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.

Al

I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.

Al

Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Al

Good evening, fellow shoe men. You all know me.

Al

Yeah, I love you too.

Al

Shoe lights! Get your shoe lights! Fire sale! (sobs): Oh God!

Al

What? Grab your wife's legs and make a wish.

Al

Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...

Al

In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...

Al

...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.

Al

Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing, and... (looks at Peggy) having sex with our spouses.

Al

Ah, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, and good food and good friends. (sobs) Oh, God. What a charade! (looks at Peggy) Oh, God!