Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

So no one made the call to Vancouver?

Al

Alright then, it's a mistake. I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since the day I got married.

Al

Peg, we lost to six women...and three men with visible panty lines.

Al

Tiffany dear, uh come meet our neighbor. He lost a tree but gained a view.

Al

Tiffany, Steve.

Al

Steve, View.

Al

[dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

Al

Thanks for the help, kids! Oh, by the way, listen, if you're thinking about what to get old dad for Christmas, don't worry about it. You've already given it to him - It's called a hernia.

Al

Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]

Al

This is just great. "Daddy, I need money." "Daddy, I need food." "Daddy, I need you to check on a mouse with a broken neck." For once, I'd like it to be, "Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking the kids."

Al

Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?

Al

[walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.

Al

I welcome death!

Al

You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

Al

All three at once. What do they do, give it to each other?

Al

Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.

Al

I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.

Al

[watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.