Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children, page 4 ... TV Quotes Database

Al

Ah, home sweet hell.

S4 E4 Tooth Or Consequences

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Al

Ed MacMahon says I may owe him $10,000,000?!

Peg (skeptically): Eh, what are the chances of it really being you?

S4 E8 976-Shoe

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Al

All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, 300 years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom." Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

S4 E9 Oh, What A Feeling

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Al

[to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?

S4 E11 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1

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Al

'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

No food was a-stirrin'

Not even a mouse.

Stockings were hung 'round Dad's neck like a tie.

Along with a note that said, "Presents or Die!"

Children were plotting all night in their beds.

While the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.

But Daddy had money

This year in the bank.

But then they closed up early

Now Dad's in the tank.

(later on)

...then all of a sudden, Santa appeared.

A sneer on his face

And booze on his beard.

"Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,

"You do so much for others.

"Do something for me"

"Bundy," he said, "You only sell shoes

"Your son is a sneak-thief

"Your daughter's a flooze

"Ho-ho," Santa said, "Shall I mention your wife?

"Her hair's like the A-bomb

"Her nails are like knives"

Then he went to the chimney

That fat piece of dung

He mooned me two times

Then stuck out his tongue.

And I heard him exclaim

As he broke wind with glee,

"You're married with children! You'll never be free."

S4 E11 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1

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Al

Christmas is not the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.

S4 E11 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1

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Al

As God is my witness, I'll never be wet again!

S4 E13 Who'll Stop The Rain

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Al

Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat, 'cuz we're going to Vegas!

(Bud and Kelly exchange glances as the episode ends on a freeze-frame with the words, "TO BE CONTINUED", on the bottom of the screen)

S4 E16 You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1

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Al

Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.

S4 E18 What Goes Around Comes Around

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Al

And if you wanna talk about "flying wedge," let's talk about my mother-in-law. People overuse the phrase, "as big as the Earth," but kids, try to picture everyone you've ever known under one muu-muu.

S4 E18 What Goes Around Comes Around

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Al

Shoes: no kind of life for a man.

S4 E18 What Goes Around Comes Around

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Al

I'm heading to the store to get dinner. Hey, how 'bout alphabet soup? That way you can eat and learn.

S4 E20 Peggy Made A Little Lamb

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Al

[using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.

Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.

Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.

Early grave, cha cha cha.

Everybody -- shoot me!

S4 E21 Raingirl

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Al

You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."

S4 E23 Yard Sale

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Al

A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.

S4 E23 Yard Sale

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