Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

You know, you can learn a lot about someone going through their safe. I wonder if Steve knows that the house is only in Marcy's name.

Peg

And I wonder if Marcy knows that Steve's mother is the beneficiary on his life insurance.

Al

You know, we may not have much, but at least we don't keep secrets from each other.

Peg

You said it, Al. (both of them turn away, worried about their respective untold secrets)

Peg

Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?

Al

Garbageman.

Peg

How often do we do we make love?

Al

Five times a year.

Peg

It's five times a week, Al.

Al

Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that.

Peg

I'm not asking you to do it. Just say it. Okay, now, how many children have we got?

Al

None.

Marcy

Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.

Steve

Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. It's a plan without flaws.

Al

What about tax?

Steve

You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.

Marcy

Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.

Steve

Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.

Marcy

And audit you for five straight years.

Al

I don't care what anyone says. I'm holding onto my dream 'til the bitter end.

Peg

Oh, God. Now I am depressed. I thought this was the bitter end.

Al

What do I need a computer for?

Marcy

News updates.

Al

Newspaper.

Marcy

Social events.

Al

TV guide.

Steve

Recipes.

Al

[placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.

Steve

Doctor's appointments.

Al

Don't care.

Peg

I didn't marry a happy man.

Al

No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

Peg

Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.

Al

What, you're gonna get worse?

(to Al) Hey! You're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all-over tan.

Al

Well, you're asking a lot of the sun.

(Sobs) Oh!

Peg

Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!

Al

Well nobody wants to hold you either.

I've been peeped too, it was horrible!

Al

How was it for you?

He peeped me last night!

Peg

He peeped YOU??

Yes, it was horrible!

Al

But how was it for you?

Peg

Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...

Al

Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?

Peg

No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

Kelly

I don't want to sit around the house all day and sleep. It's like being at school.

Al

No, the difference between here and school is, you'll be out of here when you're eighteen.

I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.

Al

Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth.

I want my mommy.

Al

Yeah, so does your dad's brother.