Dewey quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!

S2 E11 "Old Mrs. Old"

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Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend if she would like some more peas?

Dewey

We get it!

S2 E12 "Krelboyne Girl"

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Dewey

Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.

They're all evil, sweetie.

S2 E13 "New Neighbors"

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I am not taking traffic school.

Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.

I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.

[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...

[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]

MRMalcolm, Reese, & Dewey

You're right, mom!

S2 E16 "Traffic Ticket"

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(Dewey walks up to the police car)

Dewey, it's going to okay. Mommy is...

Dewey

Can you turn on the siren?

CCop

Sure. (turns it on)

Dewey

Yeah! [imitates siren]

S2 E16 "Traffic Ticket"

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[To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.

[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]

Gimme that!

Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.

Well, there goes our summer vacation.

Dewey

So we have to pay, even though he was faking?

I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.

Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?

[Everyone stares at Malcolm]

Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?

[To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

S2 E17 "Surgery"

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Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.

Dewey

Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.

S2 E17 "Surgery"

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Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.

Dewey

Am I?

S2 E17 "Surgery"

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Dewey

Why Can I go bowling too?

Because you are spending the night in your room. You are being punished and tomorrow you're going town to the store and buy Mrs. MacNabb a new parakeet.

Dewey

Aww Dad!

Don't look at me. As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.

S2 E20 "Bowling"

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OOfficer

There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?

It's a mystery.

Dewey

You left the window open.

...Mystery solved!

OOfficer

What are you doing here again?

We're watching the owner's cat.

OOfficer

I don't see a cat.

We're not doing a very good job.

S2 E21 "Malcolm vs. Reese"

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That's right. I gave it all to charity. You have two changes of clothes; one for school and one for home, something wrong?

RDReese, Dewey & Malcolm

No.

S3 Charity

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[Hal's car has broken down due to a faulty battery and he pulls over.]

OH, DAMN!

Dewey

It's God! He found Us!

It's not God, Dewey! It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense, he could've helped out my career a bit from time to time. Throw a promotion my way, once in a while. So maybe you're right, it is God!

Hey, I don't want to scare anybody. But this is the street mom takes home from work and she gets off in 10 minutes!!!

S3 Charity

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Dewey, I said "NO"! Do you wanna be grounded like your brothers?

Dewey

No.....

S3 Health Scare

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How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!

Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard about a little mud on the floor!

You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?

What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?

Keep it cool!

You were at a party? While we were here worrying?

Dewey

[calm] Can I have a napkin?

I cannot believe you two!

Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!

You can't do that!

You're crazy!

You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!

This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!

[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may have an illness]

What was that all about?

I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"

S3 Health Scare

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Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home

I have HAD IT!

[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]

Mom, what are you doing?

I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.

Dewey

She's stealing Christmas.

Mom, you can't do this.

Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.

Dewey

WHAT?!

If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!