[upon learning that Malcolm took Reese's test for him]
[to Malcolm] You took that test, didn't you? You cheated! [to Reese] You let him cheat for you? [to Mr. Woodward] YOU GAVE SOMETHING HE WROTE AN "F"?! You are out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power!
WMr. Woodward
There is no need for name calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are.
WMr. Woodward
Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated and he'll be expelled.
WMr. Woodward
This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
[points to Malcolm] You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.
MalcolmWhat?!
Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
WMr. Woodward
I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! [sobbing]
[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
WWoodward
Maybe we can work something out.
Malcolm
Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.
Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.
[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]
Malcolm
You can go now, thanks for the ride.
Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
Malcolm
Mom, please don't....
WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?
Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
[ignoring Reese] Ok, it's me.
How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
Malcolm
You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]
Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
You're not doing the happy dance.
(turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.
Malcolm
Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]
[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]
(non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!
[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]
(quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!
Malcolm
You ran over his leg!
(runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!
[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]
[After Hal gets arrested and Malcolm refusing to help his father while talking to a girl] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For...
Malcolm
Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree, I'm a terrible person.
For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you showed your father.
Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. [Giving a glass of tea to Lois] Here, mom, for your throat. I put a little honey in it.
That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it. [Phone rings] You go and make it right.
[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!
Malcolm
I don't know.
You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
[a police helicopter approaches Lois]
PPilot
GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!
[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]
While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!
You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.
Malcolm
You can't just turn off your brain.
Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...
Malcolm
[snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...
[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]
Malcolm
Reese...? Reese!
[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]
Oh, man, how long was I out?
[as her and Malcolm walk in the house. Malcolm sits down] Sit! Look at yourself, they put you on probation. Probation! If you do just one more thing wrong, their gonna kick you out of school! Do you have any idea how serious this is? Is this what you want to be? You want to be some lap dog who ruins his life for some girl? For God sake, Malcolm, you beat up a foreign exchange student! Poor little Zanoc left that country from this kind of abuse! Are you even listening to me?
Malcolm
[Stands up from his chair] Yes, I'm listening! But you know what, mom, I got bigger problems! You may not have noticed, but, I've been screwing up a lot lately. All because of some stupid girl! I'm on probation! I beat up a kid who doesn't speak English! I'm going through a lot right now, and you don't even care!
You've been stealing money from the church?!
And maybe some... merchandise.
[Reese opens the closet revealing a loot of stolen donations.]
Oh! You boys have been taking stereos, toys! Is that cheese?! Oh! I need to sit! [He collapses onto the mattress and sees more stolen donations under the bed.] Oh! Oh, my God!
Malcolm
Dewey, get a washcloth!
[Hal's car has broken down due to a faulty battery and he pulls over.]
It's not God, Dewey! It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense, he could've helped out my career a bit from time to time. Throw a promotion my way, once in a while. So maybe you're right, it is God!
Malcolm
Hey, I don't want to scare anybody. But this is the street mom takes home from work and she gets off in 10 minutes!!!
What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!
How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?
Malcolm
We'll clean it up.
That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!
Malcolm
You can't do that! Those are just footprints!
You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!
Malcolm
Dad!
This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!
How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!
Malcolm
Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard about a little mud on the floor!
You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
Malcolm
Keep it cool!
You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
[calm] Can I have a napkin?
I cannot believe you two!
Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
Malcolm
You're crazy!
You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may have an illness]
Malcolm
What was that all about?
I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"
Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home
[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]
Malcolm
Mom, what are you doing?
I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
She's stealing Christmas.
Malcolm
Mom, you can't do this.
Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.
If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!
[to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.
[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking and Lois looks on in sadistic satisfaction knowing her threat of cancelling Christmas will come true.]
Malcolm in the Middle · 549 quotes
