A character in Malcolm in the Middle
Played by Frankie Muniz
Malcolm in the Middle · 549 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Malcolm in the Middle: in 204 of its 549 quotes
Most scenes with: Reese (85), Lois (65), Dewey (47)
(Malcolm enters the front door panting)
What's wrong?
MalcolmSome crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.
Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)
MalcolmMom, please don't.
(Lois sees Cynthia through the peephole and opens the door)
Hi!
(Malcolm is having lunch on a table)
Hey, Malcolm.
MalcolmI want to sit alone. (Cynthia sits down next to him) Yeah, hi.
So, I signed us up as lab partners.
MalcolmYou know, you're always near me. Wouldn't it be okay if you branched out a little?
I thought it seemed so cool that we have a thing together.
Malcolm (to the camera): Thing?
Lloyd [to Malcolm]: Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.
MalcolmWould you shut up!
No, see, it's a play on words.
MalcolmI said shut up!
Lois [to Hal]: You quit because a 6-year-old told you your job was awful?
MalcolmYou should have seen it, Mom. He made Dad cry.
The boy was cruel... but fair.
MalcolmMom, do you...do you like your parents?
It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
MalcolmI know.
At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
MalcolmBack to their own home.
Yeah...that's what I meant.
Malcolm(On the phone with Francis) Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Oh, you're kidding! So did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?!
[Reese is playing around with Victor's army paraphernalia, when he pulls the safety pin off a grenade.]
God in Heaven!
What? What?!
This is live grenade! Do not let go of the handle, or we both die!
I don't want to die!
Don't worry, all we have to do is find the pin. Find the pin, put the pin back in, and everything will be fine.
[The pin breaks; the two of them are shocked]
[Malcolm is soothing his black eye when Victor and Reese run in, still locked by the grenade.]
(to Reese) Quit crying like baby.
MalcolmWhat's going on?
Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!
No, no, no! It's for you, not him.
MalcolmOh my God! We have to call the police!
No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic. [Throws the phone on the table out of the room]
MalcolmYes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot!
He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!
I am not taking traffic school.
Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.
I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.
[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...
[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]
Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...
[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]
You're right, mom!
MalcolmSomeone's got to gi...
Not it!
MalcolmWell, then, someone can mail it to her any...
Not it!
MalcolmWell, someone's got to be the person to...
Not it!
Malcolm... not give it to her!
I'm it!
MalcolmHAHA! ... Oh
The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)
MalcolmDad?
You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)
Malcolm[To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
Gimme that!
Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
Well, there goes our summer vacation.
So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
MalcolmI wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
[Everyone stares at Malcolm]
Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
Malcolm[To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!
MalcolmMom, my stomach hurts.
So does mine!
MalcolmI'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Owwwww... it hurts.
MalcolmShut up, Reese.
I see spots! Mommy!
Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
You know, now you mentioned it...
Everybody's going!
MalcolmWhy do I have to stay in the kids' ward?
I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.
I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.
MalcolmDewey, you're wearing my shirt.
Am I?
Hal [to Malcolm]: Whatcha' doing there, son?
MalcolmI have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.
What's Dewey doing?
MalcolmColoring.
I better get in there.
LoisJane Kaczmarek · 210 quotes
ReeseJustin Berfield · 156 quotes
HalBryan Cranston · 132 quotes
DeweyErik Per Sullivan · 103 quotes
FrancisChristopher Kennedy Masterson · 63 quotes
Craig FeldsparDavid Anthony Higgins · 20 quotes
Grandma IdaCloris Leachman · 16 quotes
Stevie KenarbanCraig Lamar Traylor · 13 quotes
CynthiaTania Raymonde · 8 quotes
Commandant Edwin SpanglerDaniel von Bargen · 6 quotes
DabneyKyle Sullivan · 6 quotes
Eric HansonEric Nenninger · 6 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
