Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

Yes.

Malcolm

That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.

Hal

Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.

Malcolm

We have to do the play.

Reese

We can't. We only practiced it once.

Dewey

It won't work.

Malcolm

It will work. We just got to believe.

Hal

It's go time, ladies.

Dewey

The future is now, old man.

Malcolm, can I ask you something?

Malcolm

Sure.

if you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something?

Malcolm

I've always thought honesty was a good thing.

Me, too. But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?

Malcolm

I like you, too, Laurie. I really like you.

Honestly, you have no idea.

Malcolm

I've liked you for years. I think about you all the time.

Oh, no!

Malcolm

What?

oh, my God! I am so sorry! I was talking about Gary Spindler! Oh, no!

Malcolm

It's okay.

No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault. Malcolm, I am so sorry!

Malcolm

Really, it's not that. ..

Malcolm and Laurie. Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours, so let's get hopping.

Malcolm

He's just using you and what's worse is you're falling for it!

Cynthia

Leave me alone!

Reese

You heard her.

Malcolm

But... What's her name?

Reese

What?

Malcolm

What's her name?

Reese

I know what her name is and I am not going to dignify that with a response. And her name is...

Cynthia

[beating Reese to a pulp] HOW CAN YOU BE SO CREEPY?! DON'T YOU EVEN HAVE THE REMOTEST SENSE OF DECENCY TOWARDS A FELLOW HUMAN BEING?! I HAVE FEELINGS! I WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!

Cynthia

[offscreen] I WILL NOT BE OBJECTIFIED!!!! I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED OR DEMEANED!! NOW KISS MY SHOE! KISS MY SHOE!!!

Lois

Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?

Dewey

NO!

Lois

Excuse me?

Dewey

I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can either fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.

Dewey

There's no reasoning with that woman!

Reese

I thought you made some good points.

Malcolm

It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.

Reese

[giggles] Hey, that's what we're doing!

Francis

Why can't you just be happy for us!?

Lois

We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?

Francis

I'M CONFUSED! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR SHIPPING ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL!?

Reese

This family sucks. They don't care anything about us. They don't even listen to us. Let's out of here.

Dewey

To the demolition derby?

Reese

No, I mean let's really get out of here and get away from these people.

Malcolm

Where are we gonna go?

Reese

[pulls out Hal's credit card from his pocket] Wherever this takes us. I snagged it out of dad's wallet this morning.

Malcolm

You knew we were gonna need it tonight?

Reese

Uh... yeah.

Dewey

I'm in.

Malcolm

Yeah, but...

Lois

Okay, boys, get your things. We're going home.

Reese

No! We're not going back there.

Dewey

Okay, Well, you can't stay in this hotel room forever. What are you gonna do, live under a bridge and steal food out of dumpsters?

Malcolm

I don't know, but we're not going home! We've had it with the way you treat us, and we've hat it with all the yelling!

Reese

You are a terrible influence on us!

Malcolm

All you ever do is scream!

Dewey

And order us around!

Malcolm

There's something wrong with this family! Families should have some way of communicating besides yelling!

Lois

Okay, everybody, calm down. I understand what you're saying, I'm not gonna yell, I'm not going to scream. We are capable of talking about this without raising our voices. Now, boys, I want you to understand I'm sorry about what happened. But you have to understand I get a little emotional when I learned that my oldest son was acting like an idiot and throwing his life away. Now that doesn't mean-- [gets splashed with water. It's revealed that Francis' wife, Piama threw water at her.]

Piama

Stop talking about him like that! Francis is my heart!

Stevie

You have to stop this?

Malcolm

Stupid game This is ridiculous!, Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. My mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extra-terrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me!

Stevie

Dewey just became Pope.

Malcolm

And I weigh 500 pounds. Thats it I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter, get knife, kill them. No! Don't make yourself a sandwich! Kill! Kill! No, not yourself! Don't kill. Don't kill.

Hal

I don't understand it! An entire roast, with your bare hands?! The–the–the–the salad, the potatoes, the–the green beans?! What do you have to say for yourself?

Dewey

I was hungry, I guess.

Reese

This is great. Let's tell them about the dog and really nail his coffin shut.

Malcolm

Not yet. I have a hunch.

Hal

An entire stick of butter?!

Reese

Now, lets tell them now.

Malcolm

Wait for it.

Hal

Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?

Dewey

[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.] I like candles. i think they're good.

Hal

That's it, you are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped.

So let me see; you found the gun, didn't tell your father, handled it, hid it inside the house, handled it again to move it and tried to destroy it with a hacksaw. And at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off?

Malcolm

Yes, I know.

What did you say your I.Q. was?!

Malcolm

Oh man, we're lost!

Dewey

What?! No!

Reese

[feigning panic] Oh man! What are we gonna do?! [to Malcolm, smugly] Nice! We got him crying, the pansy!

Malcolm

No, we really are lost!

Reese

[truly panicked] What?! What are we gonna do?!

Dewey

I knew it! I knew you were gonna find some way to ruin this for me! Even when you're trying to be nice, you make me miserable! And now I get to die in the sewer! A perfect end to a crappy life!

Malcolm

Shut up, Dewey!

Reese

All right, let's focus on finding a way out of here. Stevie's mom must be worried about him--

Stevie

Shut up... about... my mom!

Reese

What? I simply made a comment.

Stevie

You're... a perv!

Reese

I can't help it if have a healthy interest in the opposite sex.

Stevie

Well... they don't... return... the favor!

Reese

What does that mean?

Stevie

Girls... hate you.

Reese

That's not true!

Malcolm

Yes, it is. Come on, Reese, you're a joke.

Dewey

Yeah, even I know it.

"...to break free of the atmosphere, a rocket must attain speeds of 25,000 miles per hour."

Reese

Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!

Malcolm

You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. Right now we're on a planet spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000 miles per hour. The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.

Dewey

Wheeeeee!

Malcolm

If nothing I ever do has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse! How am I supposed to be happy?

Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe, or go to hell.

Malcolm

See Dewey, there's a guy who understands.

Dewey

Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How could you be unhappy?

Malcolm

I wanted grape.

Reese

STOP! I won't let you do this! I would rather die than be left alone with Mom!

Malcolm

Get out of the way!

Reese

NO! You can run me over, I don't care!

Malcolm

[to the camera] We had to get out of there pretty fast; for our own safety. It was unbelievable. We drove three blocks before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle!

Lois

I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?

Hal

Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences–Dire consequences.

Stevie

What'd you get... for problem... 17?

Malcolm

I drew a tank.

Stevie

What's wrong... with you? For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.

Malcolm

No for two days, I've been like someone who's happy and relaxed.

Stevie

You're turning... into Reese.