Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write our ticket to any college in the country.

Stevie

Then everyone... will pay.

Malcolm

Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated.

Reese

Maybe I can help.

Malcolm

That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.

Malcolm

I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.

Reese

Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!

Malcolm

You know what else is strange?

Lois

What?

Malcolm

Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?

Lois

No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.

Ida

JUDAS!!!!!

Lois

Mother, what are you doing here?

Ida

[in a sarcastic voice] "Oh Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party". Do you think I was born yesterday?! I could spot lies coming out of your mouth before it had teeth in it!

Francis

[shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You need to forge Dad's signature declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.

Dewey

Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?

Malcolm

I can't fake Dad's signature. I do Mom, Reese does Dad.

Francis

What?!? You should each be able to do both! What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?

Malcolm

The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?

Lois

Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.

Hal

Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.

Malcolm

Huh?

Hal

Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.

Lois

Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.

Dewey

Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.

Malcolm

[to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

Malcolm

"Lighter Fluid Donut." That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?

Dewey

I don't know. Were you in love for the first time with that donut?

Malcolm

Shut up, Dewey! I had every right. In fact, I owe him!

Dewey

So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?

Malcolm

I didn't say he was going to die!

Dewey

Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.

Malcolm

I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets. [Sighing] No, he doesn't. That's something that Reese would say. I'm not Reese. Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be. I'm better than that.

Dewey

Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.

Malcolm

What are you trying to do?

Reese

Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?

Dewey

Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.

Malcolm

Fine, don't tell us.

Malcolm

What's that?

Lois

Hmmm?

Malcolm

I threw that picture away!

Lois

Oh, we still have the negative. It reminds me of the old you, back when you still knew right from wrong.

Malcolm

Just because I'm not doing what you want doesn't mean you can humiliate me!

Lois

Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store?

My son used to love to play dress-up just like that. Give him a call. [She hands Malcolm a paper with his phone number and winks at him]

Malcolm

Take that down!

Lois

Gee, I'm not doing what you want. You're not doing what I want. Maybe we should bring Mr. Kushell into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.

Malcolm

No employee may display personal items at his or her workspace. Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.

[Another employee forced to remove her cross] I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.

Craig

[sobbing while rolling up a motivational poster] I don't know who I am any more!

[as she walks in] So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks now and they still haven't carted him off yet!

Reese

No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here like you own the place! Go back outside and knock...and then go away!

[pauses, then continues as if nothing has happened] Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street!

Malcolm

[aside to the camera] The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block!

Malcolm

It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.

Lois

If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

Malcolm

[singing] No one knows just what I've been through. I can't stop the pain inside me. Now I'm staring out my window. Children play, they seem so happy. Why are we here going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty?

Dewey

[singing] Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!

Malcolm

What are you doing?

Dewey

That's the "Meow Mix" song.

Dewey

Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up? You want to tell me how that's fair?

Malcolm

You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.

Dewey

Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?

Malcolm

No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.

Reese

You are going to be so proud of me.

Malcolm

Why?

Reese

I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me "Sugarbuns" fifteen times on nine separate occasions.

Malcolm

Reese...

Reese

So, the guy starts crying, "What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything." Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.

Lois

[on the ground] OH MY GOD!

Dewey

Did you guys hear something?

Lois

What are you boys doing up there?!

Malcolm

It's Mom! [the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]

Dewey

How'd she know where to find us!?

Reese

I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Dewey

Maybe she didn't see us.

Lois

[Yelling at the boys in the parking lot] Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant!

Reese

[bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.

Reese

[afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?

Malcolm

[scared] It's a billboard!

Dewey

[terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

Reese

Check out that pig!

Dewey

You don't have to talk about them like that. They've been really nice to us.

Malcolm

Yeah, they really believe in this stuff.

Reese

That is such a load. Every woman down there is just here because they're jealous.

Malcolm

Of what?

Reese

Of the fact that they're not hot enough to be strippers. They act like they're all offended, but really they're just mad about their own giant butts. Believe me, in their heart of hearts, every woman wants to be her. [Points to the billboard girl]

Malcolm

What about Mom?

Reese

We're not talking about moms. We're talking about women.

Malcolm

So all women want to be strippers? There are no women in the world who want to be doctors or lawyers, or anything like that?

Reese

Cut the act, Malcolm. They can't hear you. Just because they look like dogs doesn't mean they hear like dogs.

Dewey

I'm sleeping on the other side. [He and Malcolm move away from him]

Reese

Come on, I was just being honest! [Scoffs] So whipped!