[about Jamie] He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.
Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.
Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up? You want to tell me how that's fair?
You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.
(to Jamie) you do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite, you do not spit, you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit intentionally on other babies! (carried Jamie over to Malcolm, Dewey & Reese) A Lifetime ban from Gymboree, A LIFETIME BAN! (lois slams the door).
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.