Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

What's wrong with him?

Lois

The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.

Malcolm

The waist up?!

Reese

Dad, what is it?

Dewey

I think he's thanking you.

Malcolm

Mom, if you never made it to the store, then what are we eating?

Lois

I don't know, something from the fridge.

Dewey

God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?

Malcolm

Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!

Reese

We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?

Malcolm

[looks at Dewey] What about you? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?

Dewey

You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!

Reese

I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!

Malcolm

[slamming his head against a locker] At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?

Craig

22.

Hal

You think your dad being killed by a TV set is funny? I'll tell you what's funny! Being grounded for the rest of your lives!

Malcolm

[aside to the camera] After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. You've got to admire that kind of perseverance.

Hal

Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!

Malcolm

[to camera] I can't understand a word he's saying, but judging by his expression, I probably shouldn't ask for the car this weekend.

Malcolm

What's up with mom?

Reese

Mom saw my report card and I flunked all my classes.

Malcolm

What?

Reese

Every single one of my finals, I got all the questions wrong.

Malcolm

Oh my god.

Reese

[ecstatic] I know. Now I get to repeat my senior year! Isn't this great? I've been working so hard on it. I made sure I flunked every class so completely, I couldn't make it up in summer school. Now I don't have to move out, go to college or get a job for a whole 'nother year. This is the greatest achievement of my life.

Reese

Yeah, I know, mom.

Lois

What a great idea, Malcolm! [Reese glares at Malcolm]

Reese

[sarcastically] Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!

Malcolm

You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!

Reese

Don't try sucking up to me now!

I don't want you doing things just because I want you to do them.

Malcolm

Th-Th-Then I won't, if that's what you want! [beat] Crap.

Malcolm

The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be OK, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything.

Malcolm

[to the camera] Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make him eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motivated. The amazing thing is I got off scot-free.

Lois

Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.

Malcolm

Hey, he's my brother.

Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.

Malcolm

What for?

My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.

Malcolm

What?!

Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole "chasm of loneliness" crap.

Malcolm

You can't hook up in my house! I've never hooked up in my house!

Malcolm

[bringing a soda] Here, I brought one for you.

Reese

Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. [Switches cans] Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! [Switches cans again] Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! [Switches again] Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! [Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams]

Malcolm

I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

Lois

Reese! You may think you're pulling some kind of scam but I'm onto you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee! [cut to Reese talking to Malcolm at the breakfast table the next morning]

Reese

I had the weirdest dream last night. This crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me, but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.

Malcolm

Did she have bugged-out, crazy eyes?

Reese

Yeah!

Malcolm

She shows up in a lot of my dreams.

Hal

You're here!

Malcolm

Kind of.

Hal

You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!

Malcolm

You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!

Hal

That only applies if you're actually drunk!

Reese

You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.

Malcolm

Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.

Reese

She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.

Malcolm

Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.

Reese

It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.

Malcolm

That's love, dude.

Reese

Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

Malcolm

Tough break, Mr Herkabe.

[After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges] I know it was you, Malcolm and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet! I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return!

Malcolm

You mean Elba. He died on St Helena.

Oh, shut up! I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.