Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

These girls want to fool around with us.

Malcolm

Only because we're losers.

Reese

Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.

Malcolm

Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!

Reese

I know.

Malcolm

Then why are you...

Reese

Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right.

Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?

Reese

So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.

Lois

What on earth are you doing?

Malcolm

I have to practice being in a wheelchair...

Hal

I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.

Malcolm

Just for basketball...

Hal

That's the spirit!

Stevie

Thanks, Malcolm, that is what I really needed to hear.

Malcolm

Oh, good.

Stevie

[about the computer] This thing sucks at sarcasm.

You are going to secretly conduct an in-case study of a deviant mind. The most deviant mind we have in our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased…

Malcolm

You're talking about my brother!

Malcolm

The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.

Lois

Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

Lois

The principal of your school called. He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school.

Malcolm

That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.

Malcolm

Who has the mustard?

Dewey

I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.

Reese

Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.

Lois

You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.

Francis

What?!

Lois

You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.

Francis

That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. [to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face] Tell her what a horrible mother she is! Tell her, Malcolm.

Malcolm

He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.

Francis

Yeah...! What?!

Malcolm

I'm quitting the softball team!

Lois

You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.

Malcolm

You can't force me to play.

Lois

No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.

Malcolm

You are pure evil!

Francis

How do you sleep at night? [holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm]

Malcolm

This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.

Reese

Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive.

Malcolm

You're worried about your family? That's not going to bother me.

Oh, yeah? My family is unbelievably intrusive, overbearing, controlling and humiliating.

Malcolm

You're talking to the right guy.

Lois

Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?

Malcolm

Because I'm supposed to be doing this stuff on my own.

Lois

I'm just here to make sure you do it on your own the right way.

[talking to Lois] Any freshman psych major can see it's obvious life didn't pan out the way you thought it would. So now, to make up for it, you have to run your kid's life.

Malcolm

[to the audience] I don't know who to root for!

Simple truth is, you're just too afraid to let go of the one thing in your life that may be a success. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Why don't we just ask the other mothers here and see what they think? [sarcastically looks around] Oh, that's right, there are no other mothers here. You just cost this floor their electricity privileges.

Reese

[to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!

Malcolm

There's one on your hand.

Reese

Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...

Malcolm

[horrified] They put you in with the Buseys?

Dewey

[sarcastically] Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! [angrily] Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!

Malcolm

Oh, my God! Does Mom know?

Dewey

You're still alive... so, no.

Malcolm

[to Dewey] Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.

Dewey

But you beat me up and make fun of me.

Malcolm

Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!

Dewey

Okay, I'll do it.