Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Lois

They wanted 12. But look,hal, it has a tiny little dumbwaiter and the lights really work.

Lois

Before I forget...

Lois

This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...

Lois

There. Now I can relax.

Lois

Hey, Francis, how's school?

Francis

Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Lois

Fire? Fire? Fire?

Malcolm

Mom, what?

Lois

This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?

Reese

Malcolm did it!

Malcolm

Reese did it!

Reese

I didn't do it!

Malcolm

I didn't do it!

Dewey

We're going to the dentist?

Lois

[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.

Malcolm

Mom, honestly, I don't know.

Reese

[different time] I don't know.

Dewey

[different time] Don't know.

Lois

Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.

Dewey

He's...in the bathroom.

Lois

Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.

Dewey

He's...in the bathroom.

Lois

They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?

Dewey

I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

Dewey

Mom, can I have a story?

Lois

Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.

Dewey

An evil circus?

Lois

No, a nice one with monkeys.

Dewey

Thank you.

You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?

Francis

I'm really not. No.

[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.

Francis

I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

Lois

[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.

Francis

[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.

You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?

Francis

I'm really not. No.

[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.

Francis

I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

Lois

Traveling? He wasn't traveling! Why don't you put your glasses on here, buddy? You're missing a great game! Oh, you're gonna give me a technical? You're gonna give me a technical? YOU CAN'T GIVE ME A TECHNICAL!

Lois

Look at the little pee-pee. Oh, Francise, I forgot how tiny you are. Oh, that's the moment of his birth. You see? See him comin' out feet-first? Doctor said it was the biggest mucus plug they'd ever seen.

Lois

[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis! Do you know how much that's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken! And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy! I'm telling your mother.!

Francis

[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.

Lois

All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.

Reese

OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.

Malcolm

[to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Malcolm

Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.

Hal

What do you mean?

Malcolm

I mean, he's always okay.

Hal

Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...

Lois

Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!

Malcolm

He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?

Lois

I knew it. When did you talk to him?

Malcolm

Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Malcolm

[about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey

Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois

That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese

Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Reese

What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Dewey

[hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!

Reese

What are you doing?

Dewey

[continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!

Reese

Cut it out!

Dewey

Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Reese

Knock it off, you little...

Lois

[from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!

Reese

I didn't do anything!

Lois

No!

Reese

He was lying!

Malcolm

[to the camera] I gave him that.

Lois

Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.

Malcolm

She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.

Lois

At school? It's the only break I get!

Malcolm

I think is time to move to plan B: lying.

Lois

What book report?

Malcolm

I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.

Lois

So what's the report on?

Malcolm

[[A Tale of Two Cities].

Lois

Oh, how many words?

Malcolm

750.

Lois

Was that on your assignment sheet?

Malcolm

No, it's an addendum.

Lois

When did you get that?

Malcolm

Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.

Lois

Well, I suppose that if it's school work.

Malcolm

[to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.

Lois

A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?

Malcolm

Charles Dickens.

Lois

Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.

Malcolm

No, it's Dickens.

Lois

Is that the one with Jean Valjean?

Malcolm

That's Les Miserables.

Lois

No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?

Malcolm

No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.

Lois

I thought you hadn't read it.

Malcolm

What? No, I said I hadn't written it.

Lois

And when is it due?

Malcolm

Tomorrow, I told you.

Lois

On Les Miserables?

Malcolm

Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.

Lois

Which you haven't read yet.

Malcolm

Right.

Lois

But you just said you did.

Malcolm

No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!