Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.

Lois

You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

S1 E11 Funeral

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[A small, random kid is eating breakfast at the Wilkerson house]

Lois

Who's this?

How should I know?

Lois

Hal?

Beats me.

Lois

Dewey, is this a friend of yours?

Uh-huh.

Lois

Who is he?

I dunno.

What's your name, son?

EEgg

[Whispering] Egg.

HHall

Did he say Greg?

Lois

I thought he said Craig.

His name is Egg.

Egg?

I named him.

Lois

Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?

Okay.

S1 E11 Funeral

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[Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]

Lois

Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?

Present?

Lois

Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!

I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

[Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]

You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.

Mighty Man?!

Lois

I can't believe you.

This is a whole new low, Reese.

[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

Lois

[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.

You did!

Lois

Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

Alright, everyone into the car as-is! We're gonna have to drive creatively but we might make the end! Let's go! Chop-chop! Here we go!

[The Wilkersons rush outside while Egg continues sitting in the living room. After a few moments, Hal opens a door]

Egg! Come on!

S1 E11 Funeral

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Lois

[At Aunt Helen's funeral] Yeah Francis, your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.

LLawyer

Can I have my phone back?

Lois

I'm almost done, sweetie. [continues talking to Francis] Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.

[Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]

Lois

[yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!

[Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]

Lois

[to Francis] You'll never guess what Reese did.

S1 E11 Funeral

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[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]

Lois

Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?

Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]

[Lois opens her mouth to scream]

...

[Lois emits a pained squeak]

You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

S1 E13 Rollerskates

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Lois

[Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!

Nothing.

Lois

Get a glass.

[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]

Lois

Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!

All right! Okay!!!

Can I have some milk?

Lois

Yes... but get a glass!

Okay.

S1 E13 Rollerskates

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Hello!

Lois

Who are you?

Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.

Lois

Good for you. Where's your eye?

Pardon?

Lois

Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.

Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.

Lois

Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.

Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...

Lois

Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?

[walking away] God, she is magnificent.

S1 E14 The Bots and the Bees

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I'm really adopted, aren't I?

Lois

No, you're ours, and we love you.

Damn!

S1 E15 Smunday

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[A sick Lois is sitting on the bed now realizing that today is Monday. Because she is caught up with her flu and Francis' prank to Marlin Academy, she has ignored punishing the boys for skipping school]

Lois

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I am going to kill him!

OOOOOOHH, this is all a dream.

Lois

Oh, shut up, Reese!

Malcolm': Mom, stop it. You're sick.

Lois

I'm too mad to be sick. You know he's finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona?

[Lois goes through a drawer on her nightstand for the work farm in Arizona for troubled teens. The boys are no more troubled when Lois brings it out and realize where Francis may be heading next.]

Lois

He thinks Military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... wait... wait... wait...

[She heads to the bathroom to throw up.]

S1 E15 Smunday

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Lois

Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me....

[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]

Lois

Don't you dare!

[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]

AAttendant

Arms and legs crossed at all times.

That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.

Yeah.

You're gonna die.

I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?

[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well]

S1 E16 Water Park

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[bursts into the room] Who wants to make five bucks?

How?

I need someone to take the fall.

Lois

[from downstairs] Oh, my God...

What did you do?

I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.

Lois

Oh, my God!

Make it ten.

Done.

Lois

Oh, my God!

[whispers] You're a good son. [drags Malcolm out by his collar] I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!

S1 E16 Water Park

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Live, live, die! [Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away] Live, live, live, live, die! [Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters]

Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?

I had them lined up and shot.

You know son, maybe you've been spending too much...

Silence! Seize him! [Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings]

All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. [Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off]

Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men!

[Lois arrives home]

Lois

Hal! Why is this still here! [Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror] Ow.

[Reese runs in when he hears noise]

No fair! You did it without me!

S2 High School Play

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[A police officer brings young Francis home and informs Lois that he had caught him taking a joyride on a steamroller]

Lois

Thanks, Officer. [turns angrily to Francis] What were you thinking?!

Francis

That it went faster.

Lois

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...

Lois

Boys! Go to your room!

S2 Flashback

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[first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.

[talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.

[Lois drags Malcolm and Reese by the ear while the security guard sends Hal on his way.]

Lois

Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.