Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Lois

Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind, it's really very exciting! But I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied!

Reese

Ow! Are you going to drag me all the way home?!

Hal

Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

Lois

Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?

Malcolm

Because I'm supposed to be doing this stuff on my own.

Lois

I'm just here to make sure you do it on your own the right way.

Malcolm

You know what else is strange?

Lois

What?

Malcolm

Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?

Lois

No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.

Ida

JUDAS!!!!!

Lois

Mother, what are you doing here?

Ida

[in a sarcastic voice] "Oh Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party". Do you think I was born yesterday?! I could spot lies coming out of your mouth before it had teeth in it!

Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.

Ida

Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

Ida

The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.

Lois

[walks towards Ida; in a sotto voice] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help me God, I'll rip the wig off your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!

Lois

Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?

Hal

How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."

Hal

Lois, we won the case! Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.

Lois

[getting angry] You didn't work on Fridays? After all the sacrifices I made for this family. For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpools, cleaned the house, while you were FEEDING SHAMU!!!

Hal

Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. It's a really good show. Let's go. We should see it sometime.

Malcolm

The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?

Lois

Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.

Hal

Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.

Malcolm

Huh?

Hal

Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.

Lois

Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.

Dewey

Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.

Malcolm

[to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

Malcolm

What's that?

Lois

Hmmm?

Malcolm

I threw that picture away!

Lois

Oh, we still have the negative. It reminds me of the old you, back when you still knew right from wrong.

Malcolm

Just because I'm not doing what you want doesn't mean you can humiliate me!

Lois

Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store?

My son used to love to play dress-up just like that. Give him a call. [She hands Malcolm a paper with his phone number and winks at him]

Malcolm

Take that down!

Lois

Gee, I'm not doing what you want. You're not doing what I want. Maybe we should bring Mr. Kushell into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.

Malcolm

No employee may display personal items at his or her workspace. Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.

[Another employee forced to remove her cross] I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.

Craig

[sobbing while rolling up a motivational poster] I don't know who I am any more!

Abe

Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.

Ma'am?

Lois

The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.

That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.

Lois

Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.

Reese

[offended] Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'd be throwing a parade for him, right now.

Reese

[shrieks] Noooooo.

Lois

It just took it.

Reese

That could've been me. [unplugs the vacuum] I need five minutes alone with the vacuum. [takes the vacuum and leaves]

Malcolm

It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.

Lois

If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

Lois

[about Jamie] He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.

Hal

Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.

Lois

[on the ground] OH MY GOD!

Dewey

Did you guys hear something?

Lois

What are you boys doing up there?!

Malcolm

It's Mom! [the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]

Dewey

How'd she know where to find us!?

Reese

I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Dewey

Maybe she didn't see us.

Lois

[Yelling at the boys in the parking lot] Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant!

Reese

[bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.

Reese

[afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?

Malcolm

[scared] It's a billboard!

Dewey

[terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

Lois

Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!

Hal

[grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleep where I'm wanted.

Lois

Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!

Hal

And this must be Christmas that same year.

Lois

He grew up so fast!

Hal

Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.

Lois

Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?

Hal

[holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.

Lois

Want to go through the arrest reports?

Hal

I'll pour some more wine.