Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?

Lois

I will not have the boys see ups writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.

Hal

I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.

Lois

Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.

Hal

And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.

This is a terrible idea.

Malcolm

No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life?

But why here?

Malcolm

Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a Hong Kong Phooey lunchbox.

Lois

I'm Because I Need To Stop Gaining Weight I've Turned Into A Gigantic Fat Cow.

Hal

Oh You Have Not.

Lois

Even The Doctor Said So.

Lois

Ow! The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting...[looks up and sees Ida at the window] Mom!

Ida

Are you gonna open the door?! Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?!

Francis

Oh, great. Who opened the Gates of Hell?

Francis

This is ridiculous! You have a condo, it's nicer than this house!

Ida

It burned down.

Lois

Mom, you can't - How did your house burn down?

Francis

It was the villagers, wasn't it?

Ida

It's a mystery.

Lois

(something breaks) Oh, for God’s sake, what was that?!

Lois

What are you doing?

Francis

Building calms me down, OK? We're all trying to find ways to cope with this!

Lois

Yes, Francis. I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy BY GIVING BIRTH!

Lois

What on earth are you doing?

Malcolm

I have to practice being in a wheelchair...

Hal

I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.

Malcolm

Just for basketball...

Hal

That's the spirit!

Lois

Every time you come into contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.

Craig

I don't know what you're talking about.

Lois

Come on, if it weren't for us you'd still have all your teeth, you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan, your car would never have been filled with bees.

Craig

Coincidences.

Lois

Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

Malcolm

The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.

Lois

Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

Lois

The principal of your school called. He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school.

Malcolm

That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.

Hal

Lois, You're moving to China?

Lois

I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

Hal

If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm is disgusted.] Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.

Lois

Grandma, I'm not gay.

That's right, I'm just a liar.

Lois

You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.

Francis

What?!

Lois

You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.

Francis

That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. [to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face] Tell her what a horrible mother she is! Tell her, Malcolm.

Malcolm

He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.

Francis

Yeah...! What?!

Malcolm

I'm quitting the softball team!

Lois

You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.

Malcolm

You can't force me to play.

Lois

No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.

Malcolm

You are pure evil!

Francis

How do you sleep at night? [holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm]

Dewey

Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!

Reese

I know what to do.

Hal

[reading note] "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.

Lois

It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?

Hal

Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.

Lois

I'll get the car.

Dewey

If you believe it, then why'd you buy the Mexican food?

Lois

Fine, Mexican food goes in the trash!

Lois

[looks at Hal] Was that "scramble" or "strangle"?

Reese

What are you guys talking about?

Lois

You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...

Reese

I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time!

Lois

What am I going to do with you, Reese?! I don't want to say this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!