Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

What's wrong with him?

Lois

The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.

Malcolm

The waist up?!

Reese

Dad, what is it?

Dewey

I think he's thanking you.

Malcolm

Mom, if you never made it to the store, then what are we eating?

Lois

I don't know, something from the fridge.

Lois

[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave] Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.

Ida

Let him go. [about Dewey] It's the little one who owes me his life.

Francis

See? Even she thinks so.

Lois

Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.

Ida

I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.

Francis

If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.

Ida

Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

Piama

Do men ever think about what's going to happen when they do these stupid things?

Lois

No, that's what's weird about men. They never do. I guarantee you, these two won't even think about the consequences of their actions until five minutes before they come home.

Piama

So, no matter how low I set the bar, he'll still find a way to crawl under it?

Lois

You still think there's a bar. That's so cute.

Lois

[about Ida] She's lost her mind. She thinks she's back in her old village. I have to go up there.

Hal

Why?

Lois

Hal, she has one leg, she's demented, she could wander out on the freeway.

Hal

I thought we had agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life!

Is this the fat daughter, or the one who drinks?

Ida

No, this is the one with the halfwit factory between her legs.

Lois

Well, I don't know what to say. I planned on two days to get you into the home, two days to fight the court challenge, then I'd fly back Sunday. Now I'm stuck here! It's three hundred dollars just to change my ticket!

Dewey

Sorry I missed lunch. I was at the library and I forgot to look at the clock.

Lois

[interrupts] Do you think I'm an idiot?

Dewey

huh?

Lois

Do you think I don't know where you've been?

Dewey

What do you mean?

Lois

You think I wouldn't recognize the signs? Clean fingernails, good posture, cookie crumbs in your pockets – you're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.

Dewey

I don't know what you're talking about.

Lois

Don't lie to me!

Dewey

It's not what you think!

Lois

Who is she?

Dewey

Why does that matter?

Lois

Who is she?!

Dewey

Mrs. Finnegan.

Dewey

It doesn't mean anything! A couple weeks ago I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice. And there was cake!

Lois

It'll be a long time before you get any cake around here.

Dewey

I wasn't expecting any.

Lois

After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done – you come waltzing in here day after day reeking of her fabric softener!

Dewey

Yes! I like fabric softener! Mrs. Finnegan doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle, and maybe its nice to have someone that's got more to say to me than just "Clean your room", "comb your hair"…

Lois

[pauses] Do you love her?!

Dewey

Of course not, it's just snacks.

Lois

Oh, you like her snacks. You like filling up on her cookies. You know they're store bought.

Dewey

That's beneath you, mom.

Lois

Apparently I’ve been entered in the Miss Tri-County Pageant.

Hal

What?

Lois

The boys entered me into this pageant.

Hal

[quoting letter] “Lucky to have her in our lives.” “Too special to be kept a secret.” “She suffers in silence.” Oh, can you believe this?!

Lois

I know. They do all these horrible things, and then they go and do something like this…

Hal

Yes, well, they’re good boys…

Lois

What a great idea, Malcolm! [Reese glares at Malcolm]

Reese

[sarcastically] Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!

Malcolm

You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!

Reese

Don't try sucking up to me now!

Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....

Reese

[voice recording] a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.

Lois

[Enraged] REEESE!

Dewey

[Drinking Coffee] MMMMMM. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly, I'm in a French café.

Hal

[smoking a cigarette] Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.

Lois

[Catches Hal smoking] HAL!

Hal

[takes out his cigarette] Dewey's drinking coffee.

Malcolm

The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be OK, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything.

Malcolm

[to the camera] Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make him eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motivated. The amazing thing is I got off scot-free.

Lois

Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.

Malcolm

Hey, he's my brother.

Lois

I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.

Hal

There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.

Lois

[reminding Hal] But this is the good one, you know. There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. [disgusted] Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.

Lois

[about Reese] What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.

Hal

I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

Lois

Reese! You may think you're pulling some kind of scam but I'm onto you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee! [cut to Reese talking to Malcolm at the breakfast table the next morning]

Reese

I had the weirdest dream last night. This crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me, but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.

Malcolm

Did she have bugged-out, crazy eyes?

Reese

Yeah!

Malcolm

She shows up in a lot of my dreams.