Frank Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Frank

Wait a minute, wait a minute! where's the rum ham?!

Mac

[Pointing to the ham floating away] Ah.

Frank

Ahhhhh! I'm sorry, rum ham! I'm sorry.,.rum ham.

Frank

I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]

Frank

[over speakers] I got...I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?

Mm...no.

Frank

Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right? [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasps] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.

Charlie

Turn his mic down.

Artemis

I'm trying! I don't know! I don't know how!

Charlie

You don't know how?

Artemis

I don't know which one it is!

Frank

...fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli...

Dee

What's going on, you idiot?

Frank

...make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?

Charlie

Oh, God.

Frank

[chuckles] Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [audience jeering] That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy. [audience murmuring]

Dennis

Okay, let's talk about the limes, guys.

Charlie

We'll keep emotion out of it.

Dennis

Reason will prevail.

Mac

Reason will prevail!

Charlie

[simultaneously] Reason will prevail!

Dennis

I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

Charlie

What the hell! Thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!

Mac

Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it--

Frank

Charlie's got a point! One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes!

Charlie

Yeah, don’t tell me-

Mac

I AM GONNA PUT MY THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!

Dennis

No, no, shhh. Stay calm, stay--hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional. Let's--let's be democratic. Let’s put this thing to a vote.

Mac

A vote?

Dennis

A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

Mac

...Yes.

Dennis

So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Mac and Dennis raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Frank and Charlie raise hands] Now there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy...has failed.

Dennis

But I am gonna need a business card, 'cause I want to be able to hand that shit to people so they know that I am in a place of power.

Frank

It's not important.

Dennis

It's important to me, Frank! And I know that what's important to you is money and power, but I don't want real power. Because with real power comes real responsibility, and I don't want any of that shit. I just want the money, and the illusion of power. And puss.

Frank

What?

Dennis

Hell, I don't know, Frank. I don't know, man.

Frank

What? Tell me, tell me.

Dennis

I need something. I mean, I got this, uh...this giant, gaping hole inside me. Oh, and I'm--I'm always trying to fill it with something. I like to call it my, uh, my God hole. And I think a lot of people in this world, they--they fill it with religion. But I don't believe in God.

Frank

But you want to fill it with pussy.

Dennis

Yeah.

Dennis

See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.

Mac

This is dark.

Frank

Darkest thing we've ever done.

Frank

You did not want to be caught out in the street in those days with a Negress. They'd tear you apart.

Dee

A Negress?

Frank

What? Whatever the proper word was.

Dee

Well, it's not that.

Frank

The point is, we opened the club, and we named it after our star attraction.

Shady-nasty's?

Frank

Sha-dynasty's, asshole.

Mac

[reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?

Charlie

I don't think I wrote that.

Mac

You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?

Charlie

I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.

Mac

Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the-- Just throw out a guess.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

No!

Pass, pass?

No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.

Mac

Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.

Dennis

[eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!

Charlie

That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.

Frank

Put my cage on the bar so I can see.

Dennis

[splashes beer in his face] Shut up, dog!

Dennis

Frank! Little girl coming your way.

Frank

I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a peep.

Frank

Hey Charlie, you asleep? Charlie, are you asleep?

Charlie

No...no.

Frank

I got a great idea.

Charlie

I don't want to hear it. Frank, I'm a successful man now, okay? I need to maintain a certain level of excellence, so I can't have you like telling me terrible ideas all night, because that brings me off me excellence, okay?

Frank

Okay, but this is a great idea. We take--we take the M-80s that I have and we stick 'em in some lamb, and then PATCHYA! We blow it up.

Charlie

What are you looking to do like flash cook a--a gyro sandwich?

Frank

Yeah. That's a good idea. Flash cook a sandwich.

Charlie

Oh my God.

Frank

Cook the meat immediately.

Charlie

I mean, what you're talking about is just a meat bomb, and that's just a waste of a good lamb. So if you're done coming up with good terrible ideas, um, I'm gonna go back to bed.

Frank

A meat bomb! You--you--you blow it up!

Frank

[Frank after stealing a tour boat] Charlie. He's my buddy. We sleep together, we hang out together. Once I pooped in the bed, I blamed it on him. [laughs] One time the guys got hooked on crack, it was really crazy. Well, they found a baby in a dumpster. They wanted to make some money with the baby, but nobody would buy the baby because it was white, so they had to turn it brown. We were fighting over the sword. And just about when we were about to hit each other with the sword, social services came in, thought we were killing the baby.

I...I don't understand this tour.

Frank

Charlie wrote this musical. Oh man, it was really funny. I played a troll on the musical. And it's called The Nightman Cometh. I could sing you my song, if you like. You gotta--you gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. Yeah, and, uh... But you gotta pay to get in. I was saying, "soul." He thought I was saying, "boy's hole." One of the things I like doing most is banging whores. I, uh, I go out and bang a lot of whores. Listen, here's the thing. I'm going to have to jump off here. So you guys enjoy the rest of the tour on your own, okay?

How are we supposed to get back to our tour bus?

Frank

That's your problem. Welcome to Philly.

Anyhow, I saw you standing over here alone. I wanted to invite you over to our table.

Dennis

Oh, I won't be going anywhere with you, Tim.

Okay, why?

Dennis

Don't you play coy with me, you little bitch. I'm going to stay right here and I'm going to wait for my minions to swarm me, and swarm they will, Tim. Alone you'll be. Ha. Such sad little...games we play, right, Tim?

Right. Same old Dennis Reynolds. Heh. You look good, Nicki.

Frank

Thank you, Tim! Thank you. Seems like a nice guy.

Dennis

He's not. Go! Go away from me!

[drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?

How you doing, fellas? Having fun?

Charlie

Schmitty, excuse me...

Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.

Do you wanna have sex with me?

Yes, I do.

See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?

I don't know.

We'll use mine, come on.

Charlie

Schmitty.

Mac

Let's go back to the bar.

Dee

Yeah.

Frank

Let's go, Charlie.

Charlie

Schmitty just...

Mac

Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.

Mac

Jesus Christ, Dennis, you're coming in hot!

Dennis

I am the king of the minions, not Tim Murphy, not that jerkoff Adri--jerkoff! (opens a compartment in his car)

Frank

What the hell are you doing, man?

Dennis

She rejected me! Me, Frank! Me, the coolest guy in the history of this goddamn school! Oh, they're all gonna pay! THEY'RE ALL GONNA PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!

Charlie

Whoa.

Mac

Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?

Dennis

TOOLS! Tools, this is, uh...duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!

Charlie

W--Why do you have a bunch of like weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?

Dennis

Ffffetish, fetish shit! I--I--I--I like to bind, I like to be bound! I--uh...that's not important! D--don't ask me questions. I'm not taking questions. The golden god is not taking questions! I AM THE GOLDEN GOD! I--I'm taking action, I gotta go--

Mac

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, Dennis. Wait a second. I think we can help you, dude.

Dennis

Yeah?

Mac

Yeah, we can help each other. We both want the same thing...revenge.

Charlie

You're gonna be our new Psycho Pete, pal...and guess what? The freight train's back in service!

Mac

Let's get nuts in that school. Let's get crazy, alright? Come on, let's get some revenge here!