Frank Reynolds quotes from It&#039;s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Guys, why are you dressed like that?

Frank

Some scumbag company's trying to take over the business that I founded, and I'm not gonna stand for that.

No, we're not gonna stand for that. Frank's taking me under his wing, he's gonna teach me how to swim with the sharks.

Charlie can't read.

Frank

...He'll adapt!

H-He'll adapt to reading?

S8 E7 Frank's Back in Business

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[Witness for the Persecution: Frank Reynolds]

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.

"Donkey-brained"?

It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.

Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?

Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.

I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?

Frank

That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.

I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]

What?

What is that?

That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

Frank

Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?

Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?

...What?

Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?

Why would I have a certificate-

You don't have a certificate?

No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.

The defendant will answer the question!

The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!

Just answer the question.

...No.

No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]

You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!

You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.

No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!

I just- I wish you had a certificate.

S8 E10 Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense

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[performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.

[audience laughter]

She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."

Frank

That's what makes it funny!

Tasteless.

[robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.

[makes fart noises]

And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

S9 E1 The Gang Broke Dee

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So I decided to stop showering.

Frank

Ha-ha!

S9 E1 The Gang Broke Dee

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NNewscaster

Good morning, Philadelphia. With us today is Frank Reynolds - local business owner, and a man with a harrowing story.

Frank

That's right. A few days ago, three thugs tried to mug me. Now, I want to be very clear about something. (eats a sandwich)

NNewscaster

Um, Mr-

Frank

These pieces of garbage, they don't know who the hell they're dealing with.

NNewscaster

Mr. Reynolds, excuse me? Do you think maybe you could eat that sandwich later?

Frank

I'm starving. You didn't have nothing to eat in this show.

NNewscaster

Let's get back to your... story-

Frank

Right, so these punks, I don't know if they wanted money, or they wanted something more sexual... but it's a lucky thing I had my pieces.

NNewscaster

Your pieces?

Frank

(pulls out two guns) My guns! Anyway, I started blasting. Bang! Bow! I don't see so good, so I missed, then they ran away. I ran after them, bang! Tried to shoot them in the back, but I don't run so good either. Anyway, you guys all think I'm a hero, and I'll accept that responsibility.

NNewscaster

Now, weren't you concerned that an innocent bystander may have-

Frank

Look, crime in this city is out of control. Thank God I went down to Gunther's Guns and picked up a spare. I don't think one woulda done it! I'm gonna go out and buy some more.

NNewscaster

Okay-

Frank

And I think you should, too. Don't be a victim, it's time to fight back.

S9 E2 Gun Fever Too: Still Hot

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Frank

Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.

What?! Yes, he looks like...Look at that.

His name is Mac.

No, we don't know his name.

We don't know it. Oh.

His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.

That's what it was-- Rudy.

We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we don't know each other. Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Frank

Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like he may commit suicide. Suicide is badass.

S9 E5 Mac Day

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What the hell is this? Why are there chickens everywhere?

No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway.

What are you painting?

Look, it's a new sign, okay? "Carmine's: a Place for Steaks".

What- no! I can't have you put that sign up, the health inspector's coming, like, any minute.

So what?

So wha-? So we're not Carmine's! Look, I can't have them see the sign.

Who gives a shit? We always get a passing grade.

Yeah, we get a passing grade because I bust my ass to make sure that happens! Okay, and we don't pretend we're a restaurant! Look, this is fucking crazy, no signs!

No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of the plan.

What is the plan?! What is happening?!

Charlie, we found a loophole in the system.

Yeah, it's a closing loophole, it involves airline miles and points.

You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?!

Look, it is a great plan, okay? We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy.

Okay, fine, whatever, I get it. I get it.

No, you don't.

Frank

It's a good plan, Charlie.

Frank, Jesus Christ, man! Where are your shoes?!

Frank

I lost 'em in the bathroom.

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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What's wrong with the toilet? Looks clogged. What the hell? I just had these all in, like, perfect working condition.

Frank

Must be my shoes.

Your shoes? What are you talking about?

Frank

Well, when I said I lost my shoes, I didn't mean I didn't know where they were. It's just that they were gone.

You flushed your shoes down the toilet? Why would you do that?

Frank

It's an anxiety thing, Charlie. Everybody's moving so fast all of a sudden, it freaks me out. Flushing things gives me control. It's a thing.

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even know what the goddamn plan is.

Okay, okay, with all due respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay? You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of airline miles. You used those airline miles to purchase 400 steaks. Knowing that this delivery company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers by rubbing live chickens all over them. Then you were gonna repackage the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?

Frank

Very good, Charlie.

That is it, that is it.

That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically had already explained it to you, so...

Right, but what you didn't plan for was a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from Ohio, or that Dee's oversized fingers could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered the steaks online - I'm assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?

...Goddamn it.

Dee, you bitch.

But none of this matters to me, okay? Because today is inspection day. A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on, and I don't plan to begin failing now! So listen to me, and listen close like you've never done before: we are going to pull this thing off, so help... me... god.

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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I- I used to be a cool guy, right, with a cool car hanging out all the time, and now I'm a- what am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!

You?! What about me? I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time. You guys remember? But no-one was ever good enough for you, dude. So I got self-conscious and I stopped - because of you, I changed who I am at my core.

Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional. I mean- by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.

Frank

I think we're just hitting our stride.

Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank?

Frank

Yeah!

Really? 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day! As a matter of fact, we all are; I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs! I mean- wha- what if I said I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now? What would you do?

Frank

I'd go get the spots.

He's got spots! Why do you have spots- you shouldn't have spots! That's absurd, man. That's absurd... you know what? I actually- I blame you for most of this.

Frank

Me?

Yeah, because you came in here with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!

Frank

You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that.

But that made sense, Frank. It worked!

You know what? I gotta get away from you people, that's what it is. I-I- I fly off the handle every five seconds now.

You know what? I gotta get away from you people, you're all insane! I'm storming out!

Wha- don't copy me! I'm the one who's angry- GODDAMN IT!

Frank

You don't storm out on me, I storm out on you!

I'M THE ONE WHO STORMS OUT, I'M THE ONE WHO- Oh, OH, OH, yeah, no. Okay, you know what, that's fine. Storm out. Get angry. You guys be that guy, 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore. I'm not gonna get angry and shit, I'm gonna cool off. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before: a cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car. So, I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave. I'm gonna... leave casually.

[Charlie and Dee are alone in the bar]

...You want to get lunch?

Sure.

S10 E6 The Gang Misses the Boat

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Hey, listen, I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become, and I want them to go back to the way they were-

Frank

Listen up! I want things to go back to normal! I don't like the way things are going, I want them to go back to normal.

What the hell are you doing, man?

Frank

I'm storming in.

I was storming in- what are you, a man-cheetah?

Frank

Yeah.

Cool.

Frank

You like it?

Yes!

Frank

Alright, good. I can't do this anymore, that last crew sucked on ice!

Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing, I want to go back to doing shit like this. Are you guys on board? I want to go back to the way things were.

Definitely!

Definitely want things to be normal again.

We should go back in time.

Can we go back a lot?

Okay, did you bomb and fail and bomb just like I knew you would?

Oh, yes. Yeah, that's all that happened, and nothing else happened other than that.

There was a poetry thing, it was bad.

There was a poetry thing, and SHUT UP, BIRD!

You shut up, you can't read!

[Everyone desperately laughs]

S10 E6 The Gang Misses the Boat

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Frank

Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, uh, Grant? I want to... I want to change my answer.

Grant Anderson

What? Wh... what? Why?

Frank

I have realized it's-it's not totally accurate, because I've seen a pig eat a man. In fact, I've seen many pigs eat many men. It was a bloodbath.

S10 E8 The Gang Goes on Family Fight

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Frank

I'm gonna go with... toe knife.

Grant Anderson

With what now?

Frank

With a toe knife 'cause I-I use a-a sharp blade to dig the scum out of my toenails. Once in a while, I cut myself, but it pusses up and in three days, it's good as new.

Grant Anderson

Sure. Toe knife! Way more information than we needed, but, uh... show me toe knife.

S10 E8 The Gang Goes on Family Fight

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I'm sorry, can I ask: how do you play with a goddamn hole?

First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.

Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom - we couldn't. Then I threw it down there! Y'know, to prove a point.

What was the point?

It was something to do with how metal... travels faster than light? Or-

No, it was that light is either on or off, there's no speed to light. It's- it was an anti-science thing.

This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities, it's endless.

What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us!

We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time. (laughs at Frank) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

Frank

Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

...Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh? You want to do something with it?

Frank

No, I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me: I need to quit.

Wha-what? What're- What're you talking about?

Frank

I don't care anything about this hole. I-I'm passionless.