Frank Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Frank

See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.

Dennis

Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.

Dennis

Whoa, what the hell are you doing here?

Mac

I'm swooping in on your chick.

Dennis

Wha-? No, dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick so I can shove it in Dee's face. What is this "swooping in" business?

Mac

Oh, that's my system, the M.A.C.: Move-in After Completion. I wait 'til you're done with them and I swoop in, give 'em a shoulder to cry on and then we hump.

Dennis

You've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?

Mac

Oh yeah, dude! I come in as the sensitive intellectual type. Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?

Dennis

I thought you were just my wingman.

Mac

No...no, I'm swimming in your wake.

Frank

What are you two dickheads doing here?

Dennis

What are you doing here?

Frank

What do ya mean? I'm here for the scraps.

Mac

Frank, I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just--

Frank

What do you--what's taking you so long?!

Dennis

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, you have a system where you come in after Mac?

Frank

That's right. I come in after Mac, but he's taking like forever this time. I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad'a hundreds, I'm ready to plow!

Mac

You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. It's amazing.

Frank

Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.

Dennis

No! Nobody's calling you Mantis-- [Frank makes mantis noises] Look, you guys gotta back off, okay? I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick.

Frank

No, you back off--

Mac

Wait, wait, wait a second, Frank. He's right, it's a delicate ecosystem, we gotta--we gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing and then we'll come in for seconds...and scraps. Just play it cool. Hurry up though.

Dennis

Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.

Dennis

And then he smells crime again, he's out busting heads. Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.

Frank

That is brilliant, that is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life!

Charlie

I think the audience is gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis going in to this young girl that you're talking about.

Dennis

Yeah, just to be clear though, I don't care either way.

Mac

Where's our bible?

Dee

Seriously..

Mac

Where is our God damn bible?!

Frank

This is a bar!

Charlie

Oh my God. Did you smell her breath?

Frank

Like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.

Frank

Anyone want any more catfish?

Charlie

Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They're delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang...

I am not leaving here until you apologize to me.

Dennis

Yeah, well, you're going to be here for a while.

Frank

I'll give you fifty bucks if you take your top off... and drink soup out of my shoe.

Frank

We're trying to piece a night together and we need your help.

Artemis

I don't remember that night.

Frank

I didn't tell you which night yet.

Artemis

I don't remember most evenings.

Dennis

It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.

Charlie

And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.

Dee

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Mac

I feel like you say that all the time now.

Frank

You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

Charlie

Wait a second, you definitely said that before.

Mac

Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.

Mac

I browned out that evening.

Frank

Browned out? What's browned out?

Mac

It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.

Dennis

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.

Charlie

He eats theater people.

Dennis

No, he doesn't.

Mac

I think he might.

Frank

He does.

Dennis

Do you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is?

Mac

He might not.

Frank

He doesn't.

Charlie

I don't.

Frank

James Earl Jones is doing a great blackface.

Dennis

Because James Earl Jones has a black face.

Frank

Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?

Dee

That's leather? I thought it was plastic.

Frank

Who the hell wears a plastic suit?

Dee

I just don't question the things you do anymore.

Charlie

Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?

Dennis

Yeah buddy that's the ocean.

Charlie

What's on the other side of it there?

Frank

Europe

Charlie

Now how long would it take....

Dennis

Do not try to swim to Europe.

Charlie

Don't swim to Europe.

Mac

Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!

Frank

This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.

Mac

Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!

Frank

Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.

Mac

Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?