Rickety Cricket quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Rickety Cricket

Watch out for the crack heads. They WILL cut you.

Rickety Cricket

You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.

Rickety Cricket

You guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP?

Frank

Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!

Rickety Cricket

Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!

Mac

Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.

Rickety Cricket

Thanks I'm almost done!

Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!

Frank

How you guys doin?

Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.

Mac

Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.dd>

Dee

Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]

Charlie

Whoa where'd you get a gun?

Dee

Ooh went back to Bingo.

Charlie

Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]

Mac

Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!

Dee

I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!

Frank

And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!

Dennis

So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here, we are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly, that's a big issue these days and we're here with our friend Cricket, he is a homeless man. Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.

Rickety Cricket

A day in the life-- well, the other morning, I wake up and I find a dog sniffin' at my wound. He's fully aroused - mind you - so I'm thinking "oh great, what does this jerk want?" Of course I know what he wants, he's looking at me right in the eyes, he does not have to say it - not that he could. [Starts sucking on a lemon] Urrggghhhh that is- that is tart! That is really tart. I mean does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know, maybe, I don't know, I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog! I mean that's God's work. Well, not that I believe in God, I don't. Not since that chinaman stole my kidney.

Dennis

We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.

Cricket

Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.

Dee

You don't have business.

Charlie

Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".

Dennis

"The Jump Shot".

Dee

"Lemon Drop".

Charlie

There ya go.

Mac

"Cosmo-fall-itan"?

Charlie

Oh, very good!

Dennis

We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.

Mac

That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."

Dee

You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?

Cricket

Yeah, that'd get my business back.

Dee

You don't have business, Cricket!

Dennis

Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"

Mac

Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?

Dennis

No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.