Frank Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Frank

LOOK OUT, FAGGOT!

Charlie

[in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.

Frank

Maybe you should let me do all the talking.

Charlie

No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.

Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?

Charlie

[shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.

Frank

Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!

Just go get the dog.

Frank

I don't have the dog.

So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?

Frank

[long pause] Yes.

While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?

Frank

A series of Mexican women.

Charlie

"A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.

Frank

Hey gang, what's the action?

Dennis

What's going on here?

Frank

Asians love gambling!

Sweet Dee

You know these guys?

Frank

Yeah, from Nam.

Mac

You were in Vietnam?

Dennis

Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.

Frank

Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.

Charlie

That's why I did it.

Mac

That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?

Frank

You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.

Sweet Dee

How come Charlie...? It's not fair...

Dennis

Why would you do this to us, dad?

Frank

Because you're crackheads, children.

You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.

Sweet Dee

I will eat your babies, bitch!

Frank

Nobody's eating anybody's babies.

Sweet Dee

Come on, let me eat her babies

Sweet Dee

What did you just say you little bitch!

Frank

You're not ready for this fight, you're not...

Dee

Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag!

Frank

All right, here's what you're going to do. You're going to take all the weight on your neck. Then you're going to jam your legs down and hyper-extend your ankles, and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.

Dee

Not one of those things sounds right to me. At all.

Frank

There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!

Dee

Wow, That's my dad everyone!

Charlie

Ok,ok, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.

Dennis

Good work.

Charlie

No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.

Dennis

That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Charlie

No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]

Charlie

You kidding me?

Dennis

What? What?

Charlie

You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.

Dennis

What is he talking about?

Charlie

You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.

Frank

It's a bar.

Dennis

Yeah, it's a bar.

Dee

Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.

Mac

Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.

Dee

Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.

Mac

Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.

Dennis

If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.

Charlie

I work in this bar. I work here.

Dennis

But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.

Frank

Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

Dee

You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

Frank

...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Dee

Oh my god.

Dennis

Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.

Charlie

You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.

Mac

Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.

Dennis

Thank you.

Dee

Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.

Charlie

Oh, I'm unamerican?

Frank

You're practically a Vietcong.

Charlie

Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.

Dee

Where are we going?

Charlie

We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Frank

After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.

Charlie

Really?

Frank

Yeah, yeah.

Charlie

Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.

Frank

She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.

Frank

What the hell is that?

Mac

It's a baby we found in the trash.

Frank

[pauses] Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Frank

This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.

Dee

Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for 3 days?

Frank

Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.

Frank

I'm startin' to feel it.

Charlie

I bet you are, bud.

Frank

I'm feelin' weird.

Charlie

Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.

Frank

The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.

Charlie

That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.

Frank

I gotta go.

Charlie

Then go.

Frank

The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.

Charlie

Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.

Frank

I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.

Charlie

Oh my God.

Frank

I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?

Charlie

Annoyed.

Frank

Nothin' kickin' in yet?

Charlie

What are you talking about, the beer?

Frank

No, the acid.

Charlie

I did not take any acid, remember?

Frank

[laughing] Oh yeah you did.

Charlie

What are you talking about?

Frank

I put a shitload of it in your beer.

Charlie

What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!

Frank

Yeah.

Charlie

I drank all that shit, dude!

Frank

That's OK.

Charlie

There was like a ton of acid in there!

Frank

Yeah!

Charlie

Why would you do that?!

Frank

I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.

Charlie

Oh my God, man! Oh my God! Oh my God!...

Frank

Charlie, I actually really need to go take a dump.

Charlie

Shut up! I don't care! Go! Go in the camper, dude! Get out of here!

Frank

[walks away]

Charlie

Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude! Why would you d..!? Oh shit! Oh shit!