Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.
Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.
Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.
Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.
Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.
Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?
Yeah, we're going to be famous.
Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.
Yeah, just go over there.
Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.
Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.
Frank, What the hell are you doing?
He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
FrankThank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?
What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)
Frank
I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!
I think he took a dump in there.
Can you give us a second, please?
Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.
All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?
(Frank whips his gun out)
LLawyer
I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
No, just get to the reading part.
Frank
Get on with it, man. Let's go.
LLawyer
All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Frank
Yo!
LLawyer
OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Frank
Bruce Mathis?!
LLawyer
[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
Frank
You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
LLawyer
You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Why are you giving it to him?!
She barely even knew him!
LLawyer
Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Frank
Where is that rat bastard?!
LLawyer
Sir, I don't know!
Frank
'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
LLawyer
You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
LLawyer
"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
I would never let him in.
Frank
What?!
LLawyer
"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Frank
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
LLawyer
Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
Frank
You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
LLawyer
It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Frank
Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Frank
Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
LLawyer
These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
LLawyer
You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
[Dennis leaves]
LLawyer
[to himself] Jesus Christ.
Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank
Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank
Smooth. I would be a bear.
No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.
Frank
I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power-bottoms.
Frank
What's a power-bottom?
A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Frank
Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?
(notices that Corporate Guy has left)
(Cut to the front of the bookstore. Frank and his gang buddies are playing jacks while Mac looks on in bewilderment and disgust.)
Mac (sarcastic): This is very intimidating, Frank.
Frank
Don't worry, we're sending out an strong message, Mac, don't you worry. (A man and his kids walk by.)
MMan
Hey, look, kids, it's a 50's doo-wop group.
Mac (does a double take): What?! No, we're not a 50's doo-wop group!
MMan
Hey, listen, would you sing us a song?
Mac (annoyed): We don't sing, guy!
Frank
Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing, we'll sing for you. Right, boys?
Mac (dumbfounded): You guys sing?!
Frank
Of course, we sing! We're a gang!
No, no, no, no, gangsters don't sing!
Frank
What're you talking about? You ever hear of gangster rap?
we're not gonna intimidate anybody if we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood!
Frank
Listen to this: (They break out into song.)
(Cut to the front of the bookstore. Frank and his gang buddies are playing jacks while Mac looks on in bewilderment and disgust.)
Mac (sarcastic): This is very intimidating, Frank.
Frank
Don't worry, we're sending out an strong message, Mac, don't you worry. (A man and his kids walk by.)
MMan
Hey, look, kids, it's a 50's doo-wop group.
Mac (does a double take): What?! No, we're not a 50's doo-wop group!
MMan
Hey, listen, would you sing us a song?
Mac (annoyed): We don't sing, guy!
Frank
Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing, we'll sing for you. Right, boys?
Mac (dumbfounded): You guys sing?!
Frank
Of course, we sing! We're a gang!
No, no, no, no, gangsters don't sing!
Frank
What're you talking about? You ever hear of gangster rap?
we're not gonna intimidate anybody if we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood!
Frank
Listen to this: (Frank blows a pitch pipe, and they break out into song.)
Bum-bum-bum....
Those darn Yellow Jacket Boys,
Buzz-Buzz-Bumble,
They don't pay for soda pop,
Cause they really rumble
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, Oooh, ooo-ooo...
(As they sing (with Frank adding buzzing noises and "stings" in the background), it slowly dawns on Mac that he's hitched his cart to the wrong star...again. One of the children puts money in the still-full cup of coffee he was drinking out of. He's had it.)
Goddammit! (He walks away.) Goddammit!
Dee (furious): I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!
Well, somebody had to do it!
Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
Frank'
We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!
Frank
We put you out!
Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)
Well, I do look kinda heroic--
What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!
Charlie (mimicking Dee): I was on fire!
Frank (annoyed): We gotta shoot this shit again!
Charlie (dismissively): Yeah, like fire hurts...
Frank
People love well stories!
Frank
Yeah!
I don't know. That well thing seems a little played-out. I mean, who gets stuck in a well anymore?
Kittens? You put those kitties down there?
Dee (annoyed): Oh, man, okay, I'll do it! Just don't set it on fire, okay? I think this is dangerous enough!
Frank
Deandra, use your head! How are we gonna set a well on fire?
It's filled with water. Save the kittens!
I'm going! (She gets into the well)
Save the day! (Frank and Mac start to walk away.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Gimme the matches.
Mac (handing Frank the matchbox): Yep...
(Cut to the video of the rescue. Frank walks slowly to the well.)
OK, all right, I'm ready to rock.
And who are you supposed to be?
Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?
No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Whatever, let's just rock.
Frank
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
All right, where's my curtain?
Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
I want a curtain blocking my face.
Frank
[to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
Frank
5, 6, 7, 8!
[singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man. (At first, Mac and Frank appear to be cool with Charlie's lyrics, but when he starts in with the second part, they both stop playing and look at Charlie as if to say, "What the hell is this shit?")
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
We need a new front man...
Frank
How did you guys get a hotel room without puttin' a credit card down?
We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)
Frank (sitting up): Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?
Frank (panicked): You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?
Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)
Frank
We gotta put this stuff back together again!
Frank
Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!
Glue is for huffing, dude!
Frank
Gimme the glue!
It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!
Frank
THIS IS NOT ROCK AND ROLL!
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
