Sweet Dee Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dee

You stabbed me! You stabbed me with a key! Why would you do that, you idiot?! I was flirting with you!

[pointing to Charlie] That guy paid me to.

Charlie

[pointing to Dee] You weren't supposed to stab her! [pointing to the waitress] You were supposed to stab her!

[shocked] What?! You were going to have me stabbed?!

Charlie

[annoyed] I was going to protect you from the stabbing!

Dennis

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! WRONG! You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and as she's dying, you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you! See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!

Mac

Where's our bible?

Dee

Seriously..

Mac

Where is our God damn bible?!

Frank

This is a bar!

Mac

Oh! Oh! Oh! Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of a sudden. Marriage is about procreation, okay? [Holds up two plugs] This is gay marriage! [Knocks them together] That's two dudes bangin' each other! What do ya get from that? Nothin'! Nothin'!

Dee

Uh, that's a persuasive argument. You should take your powerful "extension-cord" argument STRAIGHT to the Supreme Court.

Charlie

Mmm-hmm, they'll love it there.

Hey, who's on the line?

Mac

Is that us?

Charlie

That sounded like us!

Mac

Uh, Mac from South Philly!

Alright, Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston & Steve.

Dee

Holy shit, he got on.

Mac

Holy shit, I got on!

Please don't curse. Alright, here is the question: what Philadelphia Flyer holds the franchise record for goals in a season? You have 30 seconds, go!

Mac

[to Charlie] Okay, this is a hockey question, go!

Charlie

Okay, hockey! Uhhhhhh, where's the "H" key? There's no "H" key-- there's no "H" key!

Mac

What are you talking about?

Charlie

Is there another way to spell "hockey"?

Mac

Dude--

Charlie

There's no "H" key on this key-

Mac

It's right there! Why did I put you in charge of this job? Aw, forget this, dude! I got this, I got this--think, Mac, think! Think--I gotta think like that guy that sits on the rock!

Charlie

[puts his fist under his chin] This dude, the one like that?

Mac

Yeah, with the big muscles and he puts his hand on his-

Charlie

He's big and green and he gets angry-- oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk.

Mac

The Hulk doesn't think at all. Shit, I know this...

Dude, you gotta stop cursing!

Mac

You guys can't censor me, I'm a bit of a badass.

[chuckles] Can't censor him-- alright, let's go! Answer the question, come on!

Mac

Agh! I don't know, I don't know it. Damn it! Reggie Leach.

Reggie Leach is the... correct answer!

Charlie

AAAAAA--

Dee

I bet you don't even have any black people here.

Excuse me, ma'am, but there's an African American family right there.

Dee

Well good for you. You keep a couple token ones around. Do you parade them around like a couple dancing monkeys?

Dennis

It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.

Charlie

And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.

Dee

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Mac

I feel like you say that all the time now.

Frank

You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

Charlie

Wait a second, you definitely said that before.

Mac

Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.

Dee

You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.

Charlie

A what day?

Dee

Spa day.

Charlie

What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

Charlie

oh my god i just found a rats nest slaughtered about 200 of them. It's like whole generations of those things have died at my hands. Mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.

Dee

Well, you know, keep up the good work.

Charlie

Sometimes, I wonder though, if our lives are really more valuable than theirs. You know what I mean?

Dennis

Yeah they are. Our lives definitely are without a doubt.

Charlie

What does 3D even stand for?

Dee

3rd Dimension. Just... shh. Please stop talking.

Charlie

3rd Dimen... (chuckles) What dimension are we in?

Dee

Shh, Charlie. I don't know. Shh.

Charlie

Isn't stuff... like... suppossed to pop out at us?

Dee

I don't know. I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

Charlie

Wow. Did you see that?

Dee

Yeah, yeah. I saw that.

Charlie

That came like right at you. Is this safe?

Frank

Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?

Dee

That's leather? I thought it was plastic.

Frank

Who the hell wears a plastic suit?

Dee

I just don't question the things you do anymore.

Dee

[to Roxy] Your life is way more glamorous than I was picturing.

Yeah, yeah. Now help me dig these crack rocks out of my ass.

Dee

That's what I was picturing.

Ew, I like this jacket is awesome, and it's tighter than dick skin, man.

Dee

Come on, Roxy. We're in a classy place with classy clothes for classy people. Don't talk about dick skin.

Um, hi. Can I help you?

Dee

No thanks, we're just trying some stuff on.

Well, you are aware that jacket is 500 dollars, right?

Dee

Are you implying we can't afford that?

Can you?

Dee

That's none of your business.

Umm, it's exactly my business.

Hey, screw your dick skin jacket. [pours vodka on the jacket]

No! No! No!

How you like me now, gay boy?

Dee

Oh, don't call him gay. It'd be one thing if he wasn't, but he clearly is, so--

Is there a problem here?

Yeah, I'm trying to buy this jacket and this asshole here is giving me shit.

You are aware of the price?

Well, I have money. [Pulls out a giant wad of cash]

Jerry, can I speak with you in my office?

You have got to be kidding me!

Dee

Boom! Face Jerry! Face! Sorry about the gay stuff though. That did cross the line.

Dennis

[Pointing to women sitting across from them] Like, what's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young. Probably spent her summers here lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.

Dee

But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.

Dennis

Yep. Developed a nasty coke habit 'cause she loved the way it made her feel. Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.

Dee

Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did for a while, until she started using again.

Dennis

Mm-hmm. Then social services came knocking on the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is, festering away in a one-bedroom apartment, waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS. And wondering what the hell...

You know I can hear you, right?

Dennis

Oh sorry, we were just using you as a metaphor though. We didn't mean anything personal.

Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.

Frank

I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]

Frank

[over speakers] I got...I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?

Mm...no.

Frank

Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right? [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasps] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.

Charlie

Turn his mic down.

Artemis

I'm trying! I don't know! I don't know how!

Charlie

You don't know how?

Artemis

I don't know which one it is!

Frank

...fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli...

Dee

What's going on, you idiot?

Frank

...make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?

Charlie

Oh, God.

Frank

[chuckles] Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [audience jeering] That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy. [audience murmuring]