Sweet Dee Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Well, if you had opened up the letters, you would understand that you're being audited.

Dee

Audited? Why? What are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.

Your license plate says "$CAMMIN".

Dee

Uh, no.

What do you mean no?

Dee

Yes.

Frank

You did not want to be caught out in the street in those days with a Negress. They'd tear you apart.

Dee

A Negress?

Frank

What? Whatever the proper word was.

Dee

Well, it's not that.

Mac

[reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?

Charlie

I don't think I wrote that.

Mac

You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?

Charlie

I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.

Mac

Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the-- Just throw out a guess.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

No!

Pass, pass?

No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.

Mac

Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.

Charlie

Pass.

Mac

Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.

Dennis

[eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!

Charlie

That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.

Dee

A whole bunch of tickets to the Jay Leno Show.

Dennis

Who cares?

Dee

No. Listen to me. Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?

Dennis

No one. No one wants to see him once.

Dennis

Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch. I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.

Dee

I hope they hogtie you. And then I hope they rape you in their basement for ten years.

Dee

It was weird that they were Asian, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Didn't you also give everybody ringworm?

Mac

No! No, that was a rumor, I only gave ringworm to Charlie. I--I got it from my dog, Poppins, and then Charlie and I were wrestling every day because we were trying out for the wrestling team, and then...you know, we just sort of passed it back and forth.

Charlie

Yeah, we passed it back and forth. Although then we did try out for the wrestling team, and then I do think a couple of the guys got it on the team. So yeah, you're right. You're right.

Wow. Yeah no, that is really gross. Yeah, that is about as low as it gets.

Dee

They probably still have it 'cause they're so gay together!

Totally. Hey, Dee, why don't you come back to our table? You know, have a drink?

Dee

Oh yeah, sure, that sound cool. See you later, Dirtgrub and Ronnie the Rat. Hope you suck each other's rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer! [whispers to Mac and Charlie] For some reason, homophobia, it's just awesome to these guys.

[drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?

How you doing, fellas? Having fun?

Charlie

Schmitty, excuse me...

Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.

Do you wanna have sex with me?

Yes, I do.

See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?

I don't know.

We'll use mine, come on.

Charlie

Schmitty.

Mac

Let's go back to the bar.

Dee

Yeah.

Frank

Let's go, Charlie.

Charlie

Schmitty just...

Mac

Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. If Brian LeFeve is dead... then who the hell are these people?

Dennis

Just a couple of people who totally got off, bro.

Dee

What? You did? Are you serious? Just... during this?

Dennis

Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got off a couple times when we were watching the video presentation. Then when he called me out for not being Brian LeFeve? Whoo, that got me big time. Oh, man, did I get off. Yeah, and then he showed the finger. That was the big one.

Dee

A dead finger got you off?

Dennis

That was the climax, really.

Dee

I am so confused.

Dennis

Oh, my God, it was amazing. It was mostly sexual.

Charlie

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.

Dennis

"Donkey-brained"?

Charlie

It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-

Dennis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.

Charlie

Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?

Dennis

Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.

Charlie

I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?

Frank

That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.

Charlie

I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

Mac

Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]

Dee

What?

Dennis

What is that?

Dee

That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

Charlie

Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

Frank

Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

Dennis

Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?

Charlie

Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?

Dennis

...What?

Charlie

Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?

Dennis

Why would I have a certificate-

Charlie

You don't have a certificate?

Dennis

No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.

Mac

The defendant will answer the question!

Dennis

The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!

Charlie

Just answer the question.

Dennis

...No.

Charlie

No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]

Dennis

You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!

Mac

You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.

Dennis

No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!

Dee

I just- I wish you had a certificate.

Dennis

Oh, Dee... Oh! Snyder?

Dee

Mm-hmm.

Dennis

He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.

Dee

I am not using him.

Dennis

Oh, you're not using him?

Dee

Nope.

Dennis

Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?

Dee

Mm-hmm.

Dennis

Find him attractive?

Dee

Absolutely.

Dennis

Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.

Dee

[scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.

Dennis

Well, I would hope so.

Dee

And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...

Dennis

But not all of them?

Dee

No, not all of them.

Dee

[performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.

Mac

She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."

Frank

That's what makes it funny!

Dennis

Tasteless.

Dee

[robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.

Dennis

And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

Dee

So I decided to stop showering.

Frank

Ha-ha!

Hi, can I get a drink?

Mac

Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than bustin' a nut.

Excuse me?

Mac

Bustin' a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowin' your load.

Dennis

Oh, God.

Mac

He said it was a funny joke. [pointing to Dennis]

Dennis

Well, no... Hold on.

Mac

Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.

Dennis

Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.

Mac

Sorry. We jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.

Dennis

No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.

Mac

Well, where do I jizz?

Dennis

You don't jizz.

Mac

How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

Dennis

No, ma'am, I think what...

Mac

Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.

Dennis

Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

Dee

Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm. [Laughs]

Dennis

Holy shit, you're late.

Mac

She was late.

Dennis

Go back in your light.

Charlie

got it! I got it! Got what? The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song. It's amazing. Get with the program.

Dee

Yes, Charlie, please. We're all clamoring to hear.

Charlie

Whoa, they say "The world's your oyster" Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me. You're the belle of the ball But you ain't my cup of tea. They always vote you best in Show But this doggie disagrees. 'Cause I like life In Paddy's Pub...There's a place for me It's the place I go Where the beer is cheap, and the lights are low It's Paddy's Pub. I like Paddy's Pub. Let the record show The greatest place to go Is that bar called Paddy's Pub. [Harmonica playing]. I like life at Paddy's Pub.