It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · Season 5, Episode 10
“The D.E.N.N.I.S. system” · Season 5, Episode 10
In this episode: Dennis Reynolds (8), Frank Reynolds (5), Mac McDonald (2), Sweet Dee Reynolds (2), Charlie Kelly (1)
(Dennis is walking through the fair while pushing an old lady in a wheelchair.)
What's happening?
Well, Gladys, we are at a fair, and you're going to pretend to be my grandmother.
My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.
Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.
I got my magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds; I'm ready to plow!
You mean to tell me you got you face painted like a god damn frog person with no ulterior motive?
I'm a lizard!
The name's Mantis, Mantis Toboggan, M.D
D: Demonstrate Value
E: Engage Physically
N: Nurture Dependence
N: Neglect Emotionally
I: Inspire Hope
S: Separate Entirely
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm doing the MAC.
The MAC?
Yeah, The MAC: Move in After Completion.
My grandmother was a lesbian.
Whoa, what the hell are you doing here?
I'm swooping in on your chick.
Wha-? No, dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick so I can shove it in Dee's face. What is this "swooping in" business?
Oh, that's my system, the M.A.C.: Move-in After Completion. I wait 'til you're done with them and I swoop in, give 'em a shoulder to cry on and then we hump.
You've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?
Oh yeah, dude! I come in as the sensitive intellectual type. Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?
I thought you were just my wingman.
No...no, I'm swimming in your wake.
What are you two dickheads doing here?
What are you doing here?
What do ya mean? I'm here for the scraps.
Frank, I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just--
What do you--what's taking you so long?!
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, you have a system where you come in after Mac?
That's right. I come in after Mac, but he's taking like forever this time. I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad'a hundreds, I'm ready to plow!
You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. It's amazing.
Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.
No! Nobody's calling you Mantis-- [Frank makes mantis noises] Look, you guys gotta back off, okay? I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick.
No, you back off--
Wait, wait, wait a second, Frank. He's right, it's a delicate ecosystem, we gotta--we gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing and then we'll come in for seconds...and scraps. Just play it cool. Hurry up though.
Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.
My personal go-to is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him. Hit up a payphone so she can't trace the call back to you. Give her a call and say something along the lines of "I'm watching you, you bitch, you're gonna die tonight!"
Oh my God, you're a complete sociopath!
Don't interrupt.
Oh, whoops! Ooh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!
You stabbed me! You stabbed me with a key! Why would you do that, you idiot?! I was flirting with you!
[pointing to Charlie] That guy paid me to.
[pointing to Dee] You weren't supposed to stab her! [pointing to the waitress] You were supposed to stab her!
[shocked] What?! You were going to have me stabbed?!
[annoyed] I was going to protect you from the stabbing!
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! WRONG! You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and as she's dying, you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you! See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
