How I Met Your Mother quotes

Barney

Who's your daddy?

[laughs] Who's your daddy?

Barney

[shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]

My apartment building is so safe. My landlord even installed a security camera in my shower.

Marshall

Oh, honey...

Maybe I should feel weird about giving a stranger my Social Security Number, but the guy's a Nigerian prince!

Marshall

Oh, honey...

I just had a great TV audition... behind the KFC where the executive producer works on the weekend.

Marshall

Oh, honey...

Barney

Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.

Robin

That's not a thing.

Barney

It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.

Ted

That's actually true.

Barney

Wait. There's more.

Ted

This won't be.

Barney

And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.

Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.

Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]

Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.

And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]

Barney

Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.

Lily

Marshall, I'm going home.

Marshall

[pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?

Lily

I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.

Marshall

I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.

Lily

Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...

Ted

[surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?

Marshall

Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]

Lily

...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.

Marshall

Baby, don't go.

Lily

[kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

Barney

[refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]

Zoey

Oh man, this movie is scary.

I know, right?

I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.

Ted

Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.

Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.

Ted

And the, that was the last time you saw her...

...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -

Ted

[spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

Nora

Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.

Barney

Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?

Nora

I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

Ted

Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.

Robin

Got out? What do you mean?

Ted

He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.

Marshall

It wasn't me.

Lily

Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!

Ted

He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!

Marshall

I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

[Reading Barney's heart monitor] What happened at 8:46 PM last night.?

Barney

Well let's see, Wheel of Fortune, naked push ups, naked chin ups... oh I was at dinner.

Nora

[at dinner] Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.

Barney

Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?

Nora

I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.

Robin

[sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]

Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-

Robin

Of what? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!

Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?

Robin

...So you wanna get pizza later-

I think we should break up.

Jerry

Barney, what is going on?

Barney

This is mine.

Jerry

I don't understand.

Barney

JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.

Jerry

Please, just come down and talk to me.

Barney

Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.

Jerry

Why does that make you so mad?

Barney

Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?

Jerry

Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.

Barney

Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-

Jerry

I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

Ted

Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?

Lily

You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]

Ted

[sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?

Lily

I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!

Ted

[looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.

Lily

I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.

Ted

Lily...

Lily

I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]

Robin

You're too young, it's unfair!

Marshall

We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.

Barney

Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?

Marshall

Yes, yes, of course, anything.

Barney

Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]

Marshall

Where did you get this-

Barney

[winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!

Marshall

[unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]

Barney

[gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!

Ted

Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas. [Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]