How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

Barney: [picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin: Oh, wow, a new dart!
Ted: Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin: I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!
Barney: Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!
[Barney, Robin, and Ted laugh.]
Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?
Lily: I knew this day would come.
Marshall: How did you know that?
Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.

Barney: [talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale] I can't go, I've got this thing...
Lily: What thing?
Barney: ...a penis.

Barney: [to James] Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun! [to Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin] Huh... yes offense.

Barney: [to Lily during his play] Moist. Moist. Moist...
Future Ted: This was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart's Bachelor Party was a 15.
Ted: [Appalled] She was 15?
Barney: A 15. Like in blackjack.
Ted: As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?
Barney: Exactly!
Ted: Nice.

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

Barney: If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: If Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. [they all laugh] Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squealer." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boni." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Barney: May I have everybody's attention? [Everyone ignores Barney] It's for the bride. [Everyone stops talking and looks at him]

Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

Carl: Hey Marshall, what are you having?
Marshall: What I'll have, oh I don't know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!
Carl: Oh, I'm sorry. That painting is property of the bar.
Marshall: I know that Barney gave you that painting!
Carl: I don't know what you're talking about...
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you that plus ten bucks!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!
Carl: I doubt it.

Future Ted: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.
Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha?
Lily: Shhhhh..... bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Uggh.... gravy.
Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something?
Ted: ...Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!
Lily: What are you so chirpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

Kara: [talking about Lily] You should sue her.
Brad: Oh, yeah? On what grounds, Kara?
Kara: On the grounds of... shut up! [She drinks from a beer bong and then spits alcohol everywhere.]
Future Ted: That's our Attorney General.

Lily: [about Ted's boss, who has designed a building resembling a penis] I can't believe how Mr Druthers treats people, and that building? Talk about overcompensating.
Ted: He's not usually this bad. It's just that his partners have made it clear that this project is make or break for us, so lately, he's been testy. [Lily and Robin smirk] You know what I mean, crotchety. [Lily and Robin begin to laugh] I'm just saying, it's been hard on him. [Lily and Robin laugh harder] All right, stop.
Robin: Did you show Lily your design?
Ted: No.
Lily: What design?
Ted: It's nothing.
Robin: It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design, and it doesn't look at all like male least, not healthy male genitalia.
Lily: You should pitch your building to Druthers.
Ted: Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers! He's a legend -- I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's important that we don't blow it. [Lily and Robin collapse laughing] All right, enough!

Lily: We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?