Robin Scherbatsky quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Robin

I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

Robin

Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-

Robin

AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.

Robin

[explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, it's somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!

Robin

[angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]

Robin

Dude, I'm a girl, OK? Our girl parts are like a spider web; sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want!

Robin

So kids, I settled in for Christmas alone. I appreciated that Ted wanted to cheer me up, but honestly, it wasn't necessary. So I can't have kids. [scoffs] Big deal, this way, there's no one to hold me back in life, no one to keep me from traveling when I wanna travel, no one getting in the way of my career. If you wanna know the truth of it, I'm glad you guys aren't real. [Kids and couch fade away to snow] Real glad.

Robin

The gang? Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily? Here's what the gang is - A married couple who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid, it's my ex-husband hitting on slutty cops right in front of me, and it's the guy I probably should have ended up with and the beautiful mother of his child. Who in their right mind would call that group of people ‘the gang’?

Robin

[flustered at Barney's deception] This is crazy, Barney. We can't have a marriage like this. A marriage has to be built on honesty and trust and all that Lily-and-Marshall crap.

Ted

Robin, look I didn’t invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. [Robin smiles] I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.

Robin

Well, here I am.

Ted

There’s something here, look, unless I’m crazy.

Robin

You’re not crazy. I—I don’t know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you’re looking at me with that look and it’s like—

Ted

Like what?

Robin

Like—let’s fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.

Ted

I’m not gonna force sports on them unless they’re interested.

Robin

[laughs] It’s a great look. But you’re looking at the wrong girl.

Ted

No, I’m not.

Robin

Yes, you are. I don’t wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I’d feel like I’d either have to marry you or break your heart and—I just couldn’t do either of those things. Just like you can’t turn off the way you feel.

Ted

[reaches in jacket] Click. Off. Let’s make out.

Robin

[laughs] What?

Ted

What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but—on the other hand - you, me, the roof.

Robin

There’s no off switch.

Ted

There is an off switch… and it’s off.

Robin

[smiling] no, it’s not.

Ted

[silence] yes, it is. [draws closer to Robin]

Robin

No …it’s—not.

Ted

Yes—it is [long kiss with Robin] No it’s not. You’re right, there’s no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!

Barney

Booger.

Ted

Yes, hello Barney.

Robin

Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

Barney

Not some stupid word. Booger.

Robin

But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.

Barney

What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.

Robin

For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.

Lily

City Hall! Miss Thang!

Robin

So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

Barney

Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

Lily

Hey.

Robin

Hey.

Lily

Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.

Robin

Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.

Lily

You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.

Lily

[waits a few seconds] I think I know how to get us in. Follow my lead. [walks to the front of the line and flashes the bouncer]

Robin

How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?

Ted

Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

Robin

So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?

Lily

It was a cockamouse!

Robin

What?

Lily

It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...

Barney

Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

Robin

I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.

Ted

Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.

Robin

You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.

Ted

[beat] ...your cops are called 'mounties'.

Ted

Barney.

Barney

Yeah, what's up?

Ted

You have a time sheet? No one else does.

Barney

Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!

Ted

"Court Mandated Community Service"??

Robin

Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?

Barney

That's my private personal business!

Barney

I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!

Ted

You peed on a church?

Barney

I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!

Ted

You are evil!

Robin

All is right with the world again.