How I Met Your Mother · Season 7
[Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback']
Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails]
[At Punchy and Kelly's wedding, a drunken Marshall stands up for Ted because his best man toast is often mocked and lets it out at some Finnish guests]
This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant.
[reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!
[In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman]
Ok, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?
Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]
Barnelle!?! Ooh, I knew it! [walks out]
[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]
I can't decide. They're both awesome.
If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]
I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?
Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]
Just call one of 'em!
Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?
Stella.
Zoey.
Karen?
The girl who beat you up.
The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.
[Having discovered that Victoria hooked up with Klaus within two days of breaking up with Ted, Ted begins licking the dishes he just cleaned for her]
[gasps] Okay, fine. Just let yourself off the hook on a technicality! Forget the fact that you did cheat on me!
Forget it? I will never forget it! Okay? I will never stop regretting it, because what we had meant that much to me! I just...I wish it had meant something to you, too.
Are you kidding? I loved you.
Did you?
[One of Robin's colleagues, Patrice, is getting mushy at Barney's displays of affection for Nora]
[commenting on Barney serenading Nora with his When A Man Loves A Woman rendition] He's so dreamy..
NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE!!!!
[Having decided to apologize to Lily for interfering in her pregnancy, Ted and Marshall leave the birthing class]
Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.
[overhears instructor almost out of the door] Damn it! [Ted ushers him out]
[Marshall confronts Garrison Cootes over the piddly settlement from Gruber Pharmaceuticals]
Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.
Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.
First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]
Boy or girl?
I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?
'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?
No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.
[Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age]
I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you...and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!
You think I'm 37?
If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them.
Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.
You...you're 29?! [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left -
[Surprised] What?
Nothing...[kisses Nora]
[Robin reflects on her 14th birthday gift, which turns out to be a long trek in the woods and she is being airdropped]
I wanna go home, daddy!
[points out woods] That direction is nothing but wolves. Forty kilometers that way is a mining town called Smithers. I'd rather take my chances with the wolves. [hands Robin a Swiss knife] I'll see you in three days.
But what am I supposed to eat?
You got a knife! The forest is full of animals, what do you want, a buffet? [drops off Robin]
Papa!!!!!
Happy Birthday, son!!
[Marshall has given Barney a card where the gender of his and Lily's baby is written. Robin sees it too]
[seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.
[looks at Marshall] Boy...do I like babies!
Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!
Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.
[Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night]
Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...
I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.
Instead, he took a different approach...
Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]
[Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers]
AHHHH, I can't go through with this!
Thank God, me neither.
You're too much like my dad.
You're too much like my dad!
Your dad??
[Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood]
This is nice. What is this?
Canadian whiskey.
[Spits out drink] I want Scotch...American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me?
You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
