How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

Barney: And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Robin: Barney!
Barney: The two ladies will kiss!
[Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her]
Robin: Uh, Lily.
Lily: Sorry.
Barney: And now the gentlemen...
Ted: DUDE!
Barney: And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Sandy Rivers: Robin, I got something for you. It's huge...and I want you on it.
Robin: Sandy, you were in the harassment video.

Ted: Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?
Lily: Stella.
Barney: Zoey.
Marshall: Karen?
Lily: The girl who beat you up.
Barney: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
Marshall: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
Ted: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

[Aboard Sandy Rivers' cruise, Robin and Barney couldn't find the strength to tell Kevin and Nora about sleeping together again]
Robin: As soon as we dock, I'm taking Kevin to the ER. God, I wish last night never happened.
Barney: I don't.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: What if this whole thing isn't the whole story of how we made a horrible mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's the story of how we got back together?
Robin: Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last time: is this what you want?
Barney: It's what we both want. Why else are we rushing to tell them what we did - on a boat? That is a terrible idea.
Robin: Barney, we tried this, and we failed! Why try again?
Barney: Because I haven't stopped thinking about you and you haven't stopped thinking about me.
Robin: I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?
Barney: [long pause] I guess, because you're as messed up as I am.

[At Punchy and Kelly's wedding, a drunken Marshall stands up for Ted because his best man toast is often mocked and lets it out at some Finnish guests]
Marshall: This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant.
Kelly: [reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!

[At the JFK passenger terminal, Barney and Quinn are asked about the luggage]
Barney: It's mine. Did you have to replace the luggage too?
Quinn: By the time we land again you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
Security Officer: [sees box in bag] What's that?
Quinn: Yeah, what is that?
Barney: It's a magic box. You see, I'm something of a magician.
Security Officer: Open the box, sir.
Barney: [laughs] I can't do that. [K9 barks]
Security Officer #2: Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Barney: Oh no, he's probably barking because of the explosives. [officers draw firearms]
Quinn: Oh my God.
Security Officer: Tell us what's in the box right now!
Barney: I can't. Magician's Code.

[Barney chances upon his old bro, Insane Dwayne, at a baby goods shop]
Barney: I can't believe I haven't seen you around.
Insane Dwayne: Well after Sheila and I had that...quickie, my life's been playdates, preschool, and poop. I haven't set foot in a bar in years.
Barney: You stopped drinking?
Insane Dwayne: Oh, I still drink.

[Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood]
Barney: This is nice. What is this?
Waitress: Canadian whiskey.
Barney: [Spits out drink] I want Scotch...American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me?
Robin: You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits.

[Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie]
Lily: Don't let him tempt you, baby.
Marshall: I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

[Barney just learned from Ted that Kevin and Robin broke up]
Barney: Bummer. Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at 5-1 odds, Lily with a landing strip at 10-1, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.
Ted: I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and all you've got to say is "Bummer"?
Barney: What do you want me to say Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So, no, I don't care if Robin is single again.
Ted: So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?
Barney: Nope.
Ted: Even if that somebody else was me?

[Barney takes offense at Ted's prediction of him in 2015]
Barney: Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?
Ted: Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.
Barney: No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.
Marshall: We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.
Barney: I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.

[Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom]
Barney: Are we still friends?
Robin: Hope
Barney: Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?
Robin: I'm pregnant. [Barney, non-plussed, looks at Robin]

[Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth]
Barney: Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy [gestures to Marshall], he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?
Driver: Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

[Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age]
Barney: I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you...and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!
Nora: You think I'm 37?
Barney: If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them.
Nora: Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.
Barney:'re 29?! [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left -
Nora: [Surprised] What?
Barney: Nothing...[kisses Nora]

[Having decided to apologize to Lily for interfering in her pregnancy, Ted and Marshall leave the birthing class]
Class Instructor: Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.
Marshall: [overhears instructor almost out of the door] Damn it! [Ted ushers him out]