How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

Abby: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Barney: Yes!
Abby: You're thinking about having sex with Ted?

Barney: [to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...

Barney: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

Barney: Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer: The slap will occur in ten-
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!
Lily: Barney, put it away!
Barney: I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-
Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney: What?? Wait, you-
Computer: Two, one.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's three!

Barney: Now remember my three beginner's tips for picking up chicks: address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she's from a different area code?
Barney: She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!
Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney: I just called it.
Robin: You can't just call things!
Barney: I call that I can call things!

Barney: The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-pocalypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.

Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin: Of course there are.
Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily: You can not be more evil.
Barney: Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Blah Blah: You guys dated? For how long?
Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.

Doug: You're supposed to pour the milk first!
Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
Doug: It tastes better milk first!
Robin: It tastes the same!
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.

Guard: Did you enjoy [Looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam?
Marshall: [Nervous] No? Nothing illegal. Some paintings...
Guard: Alright Bob Marley. [Takes Marshall's backpack] Let's have a conversation! [another guard enters, coughing and eating a bag of chips.]
Replacement Guard: Shift change! [First guard leaves; new guard looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam? Alright! Float on through, brother!

Marshall: [Current day] Miracle!!!!!
Season 4

Lance Hardwood: [taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.

Ted: That really looks like our apartment.
Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]

Lily: How did you two meet?
Simon: I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
Robin: "Starred in it" is more like it!
Barney: Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.
Simon: I was in the other one.
Barney: There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]