How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes



Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGEN-wait for it-DARY.

Barney: [in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!
Robin: See you on the other side.
Both: [Charging] Yaahhhhh!
[Both got shot]
Barney: Damn! ...You wanna get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Yeah.

Barney: [To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Marshall: Do you really think that's true?
Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!

Barney: Booger.
Ted: Yes, hello Barney.
Robin: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.
Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.
Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.
Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!
Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!
Ted: What!? [begins to laugh]
Barney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you were grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, [Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.

Bilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!
Office Jerk: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!
[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]
Barney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
Marshall: I don't have a back door.
Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: Right, well, I'm engaged.
Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: We're still engaged.
Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!

Lily: [to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?
Ted: I had the most... amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."
Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

Lily: [Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]
Ted: Guys... BOUNDARIES!

Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
Lily: [waits a few seconds] I think I know how to get us in. Follow my lead. [walks to the front of the line and flashes the bouncer]

Lily: Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"
Ted: Okay... I get it!

Lily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.
Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.
Lily: [As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!
Marshall: Again?
[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]
Ted: Where are you going?
Marshall: It's... an elaborate costume.

Little girl: Do you have a fiancée?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.
Robin: Oh no, I don't have a fiancée.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little girl: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: No, I've got five dogs.
Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady †does anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.

Marshall: [to Ted] Two days straight?
Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.

Marshall: I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package!
[Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly]