How I Met Your Mother · Season 5
[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]
Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
[in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Thank you, Ted...
...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
[imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?
[Ted's just found out from a college professor that he is in the wrong class]
T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]
Look, Barney's awesome.
And Robin's more than awesome. She's awe-some-more. She's even awe-quite-a-lot.
[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
It's time, baby.
[crying] I will never love again!
No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
[looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]
[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]
So, any thoughts on food?
Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
I'd love to share the oysters.
Good, 'cause if you don't that would be...mighty shellfish.
[shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
We've been on this date before.
[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]
But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
[awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
[describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.
[Robin goes to MacLaren's after crashing the Robin 101 class. Ted comforts her]
Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.
Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.
[Barney is explaining the concept of the "Sexless Inkeeper" to Ted]
Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]
[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]
Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
You're right...
Thank you.
...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
[calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.
[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]
I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!
[Robin laments the loss of her Canadian identity while in Toronto]
When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.
[Intro scene]
In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
[to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!
[Marshall just linked up with Ted and Barney at MacLaren's]
[to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
No.
Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.
[A certain videotape from Barney's porn collection has somehow ended up in Ted's VHS player]
ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!
So, what did you guys do last last night?
Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
It was legen--wait for it--ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs]] It was OK.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
