How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

Barney: [About something the happened the previous night] I couldn't be more unhappy! I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's-it's called manners!

Barney: [to Ted] Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! [Hand up in the air waiting for a high-five from Ted]

Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans -- sometimes those two overlap -- coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course -- wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have -- pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

Barney: It's robots versus wrestlers!

Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Robin Mosby.
Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!
Barney: Okay wait. How about this we share her. I'll take her until she's forty and you can have her after that
Ted: Who are we kidding. She's with Don now. We just have to accept that and move on
Barney: You're right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then skid out.

Jefferson van Smooth: Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
Marshall: His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!

Lily: So, what did you guys do last last night?
Robin: Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
Barney: It was legen--wait for it--ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs]] It was OK.

Robin: Dude, I'm a girl, OK? Our girl parts are like a spider web; sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want!

[A certain videotape from Barney's porn collection has somehow ended up in Ted's VHS player]
Woman's Voiceover: ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Barney: Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!

[At the Wedding Bride's wedding scene, a kid kicks Jed Mosely]
Kid: Take that, Ted Mosby!
Ted: Okay, he definitely said it that time.

[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]
Marshall: Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
Ted: I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
Marshall: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted...
Ted: ...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
Barney: [imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

[Barney brags about his usual picture pose]
Barney: I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing...unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.

[Barney defines lie]
Barney: A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

[Barney imagines being interviewed by Jim Nantz]
Jim Nantz: Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
Barney: [shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
Jim: Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Barney: Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.

[Barney is explaining the concept of the "Sexless Inkeeper" to Ted]
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
Ted: No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]