Marshall Eriksen quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Marshall

Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.

Marshall

[giving himself a pep talk in the mirror before his run] This is going to be your best run yet. You are going to accomplish all of your goals. [monotone] You are a robot sent from the future to win the Marathon. You are Marshall...You are Marshall....You are Marshall!...Yeaaaahhh!!!.

Marshall

July, 1999, Kennedy airport.

Marshall

I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, guess what, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding.

Marshall

There there, little Marvin. Let no more tears fall.

Marshall

Itch! If you're really nervous, don’t think of it as a slap. Think of it as a high five... for your stupid face. [Barney cries again]

Ted

[talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.

Marshall

So you gonna ask her out?

Ted

Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm 'ASKING HER OUT'. So how do I ask her out... without asking her out?

Lily

Did you guys get high?

Lily

Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.

Marshall

[stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?

Lily

Not even slightly.

Ted

Guys... BOUNDARIES!

Lily

Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.

Marshall

What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.

Lily

[As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!

Marshall

Again?

Ted

Where are you going?

Marshall

It's... an elaborate costume.

Marshall

So when Lily and I get married... who gonna get the apartment?

Ted

Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?

Marshall

Who?

Ted

Future Ted & Future Marshall.

Marshall

Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.

Ted

Dammit, Past Ted!

Lily

On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!

Marshall

Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.

Lily

I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

Marshall

You okay?

Ted

Sure. Why?

Marshall

Ah... I don't know. Girl of your dreams... dating a billionaire.

Ted

Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]

Barney

Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.

Ted

Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?

Barney

It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'

Ted

Daddy's home?

Barney

Yeah!

Ted

Okay, you... you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.

Barney

Hmm... yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Marshall

Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.

Lily

But I'm the bride. So, I win.

Marshall

But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.

Lily

Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.

Lily

[to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?

Ted

I had the most... amazing night ever.

Marshall

Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."

Lily

Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

Marshall

[to Ted] Two days straight?

Lily

Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.