How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

Barney: [refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

Robin: Hey.
Barney: Hey!
Robin: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?
Barney: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
Robin: [sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. [turns to leave]
Barney: Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.

St. Desperatius: Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
St. Valentine: Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]
Woman: Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
St. Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]

Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.

Ted: [addressing his architecture class] Unfinished. Gaudí to his credit never gave up on his dream, but that's not usually how it goes. It usually isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown pointy church from getting built, most of the time it is too difficult or expensive, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there and until you finish it always will be.

Ted: Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily: Sorry, I'm ummmm...I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall: Running the water.
Robin: Holding the towel.
Barney: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

Ted: Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily: Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Lily: Oh yeah...That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Zoey: I'm coming with you.
Ted: No...I baste alone.
Zoey: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Zoey: Oh man, this movie is scary.
Scoundrel Ted: I know, right?

The Captain: I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.
Ted: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And the, that was the last time you saw her...
The Captain: ...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -
Ted: [spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

[At bar, Robin and Lily order gin for Barney and Marshall to start a fight between them, and the effects kick in]
Barney: Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Marshall: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Barney: Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
Marshall: [infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!

[At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man]
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]

[At Honey's place, Barney and Honey are ready to get it on]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
Honey: [laughs] Who's your daddy?
Barney: [shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]

[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]
Ted: Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
Ted: [sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted: [looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
Lily: I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Ted: Lily...
Lily: I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]

[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]
Robin: Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
Lily: What does that supposed to mean?
Robin: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily: Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.

[At the Eriksen wake, a man approaches Robin.]
Man: I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: [looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]

[Barney and Robin have just been summoned to the Natural History Museum security office for pulling off pranks. An unexpected revelation about Barney's uncle actually being his father hits him hard.]
Robin: So, when was the last time you saw him?
Barney: It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin: [scoffs] Moms.
Barney: He never came around anymore after the fact. Think he moved away.
Robin: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you know-
Barney: You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]
Robin: Barney, do you wanna-
Barney: [emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?