[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong...
Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Where's where Was was, isn't it?
No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Not Okay. That place is lame.
Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.
Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
I thought Focus was closed.
No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
I don't know. Third base, right?!
Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.
Guys, just pick a club, okay?
AAll
Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.
[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]
[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down and how his life had been]
When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
[looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Maybe I've met her already.
[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]
[at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling ... how you doing? ... is this your sister? ... Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]
[At bar, Robin and Lily order gin for Barney and Marshall to start a fight between them, and the effects kick in]
Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
[infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!
[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]
Barney, what are you doing here?
[in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
[normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so... [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
[The Landmark Preservation Commission has come to a decision regarding the Arcadian]
CCCommission Chairman
Last night, this committee came to a vote, and while we've all felt from the very beginning that the Arcadian was, well, an eyesore, Mr Mosby's surprising testimony about the lion's head stonework left us with no choice but to declare it a landmark. [Zoey's camp applauds] But then, something else happened last night. That same lion's head stonework...disappeared, [audience is agape in shock] so it makes our job easier. Motion denied. [bangs gavel]
We should totally buy a bar!
We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!
Really, the only sensible idea right now.
It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!
Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.
It's the only court where you show up, then get served!
You're judged by a jury of your beers!
[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]
[cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
TBTed and Barney
[to each other] She means you.
[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]
Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]
FTFuture Ted
And Marshall slept...[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]
Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ... I'm pregnant.
[Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback']
Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails]
[At Punchy and Kelly's wedding, a drunken Marshall stands up for Ted because his best man toast is often mocked and lets it out at some Finnish guests]
This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant.
KKelly
[reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!
[In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman]
Ok, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?
Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]
WWoman
Barnelle!?! Ooh, I knew it! [walks out]
[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]
I can't decide. They're both awesome.
If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]
I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?
Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]
Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?
The girl who beat you up.
The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.
[Having discovered that Victoria hooked up with Klaus within two days of breaking up with Ted, Ted begins licking the dishes he just cleaned for her]
[gasps] Okay, fine. Just let yourself off the hook on a technicality! Forget the fact that you did cheat on me!
Forget it? I will never forget it! Okay? I will never stop regretting it, because what we had meant that much to me! I just...I wish it had meant something to you, too.
Are you kidding? I loved you.
