How I Met Your Mother · Season 9
[Ted and The Mother meet at McLaren's over a wedding matter]
Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? [to Barney] I got a castle guy.
I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy.
So I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.
What-What, why? -
Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in my dress. [makes belt motion around waist]
Why wouldn't you f - [catches on that The Mother is pregnant] No!!
[Lily sees Robin leaving the apartment farewell bash in October 2016. She insists on Robin staying for the gang, but...]
The gang? Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily? Here's what the gang is - A married couple who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid, it's my ex-husband hitting on slutty cops right in front of me, and it's the guy I probably should have ended up with and the beautiful mother of his child. Who in their right mind would call that group of people ‘the gang’?
[Barney sees the baby girl he sired with No 31 from The Perfect Month]
This is Ellie. [hands baby to Barney] I'll give you guys a minute. [leaves]
[teary-eyed at seeing his daughter] You are the love of my life. Everything I have, and everything I am... is yours [nearly breaks down] Forever. [kisses baby]
And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
That's it?
That's it.
No. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.
Oh, really? Then what's the reason?
Let's look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met Mom, yet Mom's hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin. And you're thinking of asking her out, and you want to know if we're okay with it.
I can't believe this. I kept this story short and to the point, and you guys still missed it. The point of this story is that -
Is that you totally, totally, totally have the hots for Aunt Robin.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
You're grounded.
Wow, you're really into Aunt-
You're grounded too! Okay, suppose I were interested in Aunt Robin in that way, it's not like I'd do anything about it. I got you guys to think about.
Dad, we love Aunt Robin.
Whenever she comes home for dinner, you guys are so obvious. [Ted goes quiet]
Come on, Dad. Mom's been gone for six years now. It's time.
Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "lonely" and "unicorn", which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so... thank you. Are you okay?
No, but there's nothing you can do.
Do you wanna cookie? [Offers a container of cookies]
Yes... yes I do! [Grabs a cookie]
Whoa! You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
But there's not, is there?
No idea, I found them under my seat.
[Lily spits out cookie]
No! Kidding! Sorry! You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie and then I thought you could use a joke, I should have stopped at the cookie.
You know what? I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.
I call them sumbitches! [smiles and laughs along with Lily]
...And that's how Lily met your mother.
[Barney and Robin are now relieved that they're not related]
You know, I'm not worried about a wildcard anymore, whether its Uncle Vick, Aunt Shelley, or the ringbear.
Ringbear-er!
If any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding's gonna be Legendary.
[curious because he always uses Legendary in a different way but did not this time] No wait for it?
I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.
[Ted's trying to reassure the Farhampton hotel manager through Lily that he's fine, but...]
It's been a tough weekend for him.
Bro!
We're here for a wedding.
Ouch.
He used to date the bride.
Oh mama.
And he's the best man.
Devastating.
[in 2014, Ted and the Mother are in the same bar at Farhampton]
You wanna hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table, right in that seat. [points to seat]
Oh yeah, I can see it. You nursing that gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword. Probably being all showboaty about it.
I wasn't showboaty about it.
Vesuvius...booyah! [stares at puzzle] Wait that doesn't fit.
The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself, right at this table.
What was the promise?
Ted and Flashback Ted: I'm coming back and I'm bringing you.
Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.
I know, but I knew I would - and now it's a year later...
And here I am.
Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.
Yeah, you picked a real winner, Mosby. [taps hand]
Yeah, I did. [long stare] Seriously, what the crap's taking so long with these rooms? It's like this last year. I'll be right back.
I'll be right here.
[Barney notices that James is also hiding from their relatives]
You avoiding the family too?
I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists.
[Lily talks to Ted about his list]
Ted..
Yeah?
You wrote down all of these things to say goodbye to, but so many of these are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost, to all the times it was a No instead of a Yes, to all the scrapes and bruises, to all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time, but don't go have one last Scotch with Barney, have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life, because that's a good thing and the good things will always be here waiting for you. [sees Ted smile] What?
Turn the page.
[flips paper; reads] "Get one last life lecture from Lily." You're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.
Prove to me you can make a female friend. What about her? [points to woman]
Ugh the girl with the bangs? Any chick who does that to her hair is going through a big life transition I don't want to hear about. Next time grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth. I'll pass.
Ok. Well, what about her?
Ugh, comfortable shoes? What are you filibustering later? It's after five, put on some heels. I'll pass.
[Ted's confessing to Barney over the rain why he held Robin's hand]
It was weird at the carousel. All of it's been weird between me and Robin ever since we broke up. You're my brother, I would never do anything to hurt you ever. I mean it, I swear! I'll even swear on the Bro Code.
The Bro Code's stupid.
[gasps] How dare you?! [gets copy] I'd be honored. [places left hand on book and raises right hand] I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place where it won't be at least a little weird between me and Robin, but I don't wanna lose you as a friend, either of you. So I would do everything I can to move on and live with it. The question is, can you?
[Marshall's in the car with Daphne when he suggests a stopover at Gazzola's.]
Oh Chicago! There's this pizza place called Gazzola's, it's fantastic! It was closed down for a while. It just re-opened.
I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York. We're not stopping. It's just pizza.
[scoffs] Just pizza? Let me tell you about the thing you say is "just pizza." We begin with the first bite. Aww the crunch, and then marinara, that roiling lava of tomato and oregano it overtakes you. I'm falling. And that's when she catches you. That chewy voluptuous mistress mozzarella. Oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread, letting you know from now on this is home. This pizza... It's home.
If it was so delicious why'd they close it in the first place?
Rats.
We're not stopping!
This road trip sucks!
[Loretta Stinson sees Robin after the strip poker game]
You won the battle, but I'll win the war.
Game on, bitch!
[Reverend Lowell has had enough of the false stories of how Barney and Robin met and ordered them out, until Barney speaks his mind]
You know what? We shouldn't have lied about our story. I love our story. Sure, it's messy, but it's the story that got us here, about to get married.
I love it too, every messy chapter. I love that you slept with over 250 women before deciding that I was your favorite.
This is killing me.
And I love that we just had to keep on having sex with each other even when we were dating other people.
This is really killing me.
And I love that your marriage proposal involved a strip club, lying to me, and pretending to bang the woman I hate for two months.
I love that we keep a running tally of all the different rooms we had sex in.
And I love that two weeks ago, we put [looks at reverend] this room on that list.
Ha? Come on Rev, that's gotta be worth some kind of a reaction, right? I mean, right where your hymnal is where we.. where we.. [notices blank stare; Barney gets closer and sees the Reverend is dead; to Robin] Well, that's not what you want.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
