Lily Aldrin quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Lily

[Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Lily

[to Marshall] At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.

Lily

You waited 17 years to tell me you met the greatest boxer of all time? My child was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson?!?!

Ted

[talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.

Marshall

So you gonna ask her out?

Ted

Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm 'ASKING HER OUT'. So how do I ask her out... without asking her out?

Lily

Did you guys get high?

Lily

Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.

Marshall

[stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?

Lily

Not even slightly.

Ted

Guys... BOUNDARIES!

Barney

Booger.

Ted

Yes, hello Barney.

Robin

Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

Barney

Not some stupid word. Booger.

Robin

But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.

Barney

What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.

Robin

For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.

Lily

City Hall! Miss Thang!

Robin

So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

Barney

Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

Lily

Hey.

Robin

Hey.

Lily

Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.

Robin

Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.

Lily

You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.

Lily

[waits a few seconds] I think I know how to get us in. Follow my lead. [walks to the front of the line and flashes the bouncer]

Lily

Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.

Marshall

What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.

Lily

[As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!

Marshall

Again?

Ted

Where are you going?

Marshall

It's... an elaborate costume.

Lily

Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.

Ted

Did you just use my name as a verb?

Barney

Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"

Ted

Okay... I get it!

Robin

So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?

Lily

It was a cockamouse!

Robin

What?

Lily

It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...

Barney

Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

Lily

On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!

Marshall

Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.

Lily

I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

Marshall

Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.

Lily

But I'm the bride. So, I win.

Marshall

But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.

Lily

Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.

Lily

Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!

Barney

Wait, my eyes or my testicles?

Lily

[thinks about it] One of each!

Lily

[to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?

Ted

I had the most... amazing night ever.

Marshall

Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."

Lily

Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

Marshall

[to Ted] Two days straight?

Lily

Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.