Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.

Ted

Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

From that moment I wasn't angry anymore... Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.

Ted

He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.

Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.

Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, but i know that's pointless. So I'll leave you with these: don't ever get into a fight with uncle Marshall. That guy's freaking crazy.

The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.

That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.

Ted

I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!

Ted

[addressing his architecture class] Unfinished. Gaudí to his credit never gave up on his dream, but that's not usually how it goes. It usually isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown pointy church from getting built, most of the time it is too difficult or expensive, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there and until you finish it always will be.

Ted

Dear Lily and Marshall, I don't know if you know this, but I never took your names off the lease. Well, today, I took my name off it. The apartment...is now yours and I think I've found what to do with Robin's old room[They walk in to Robin's old room and find that it is painted blue and has been turned in to a baby room]. You see, for me, this place had begun to feel haunted. At first I thought it was haunted by Robin, but I now think it was haunted by me. Well, no ghost is at peace until it finally moves on. I need a change, and I think you do too. This apartment needs some new life, so please, make our old home your new home. It is now ghost-free. Love, Ted.

Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.

Are we being punished or something?

No.

Dad, is this gonna take a while?

Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life...

It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."

Ted

Hey Barney, see that girl?

Barney

Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

Ted

[talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.

Marshall

So you gonna ask her out?

Ted

Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm 'ASKING HER OUT'. So how do I ask her out... without asking her out?

Lily

Did you guys get high?