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How I Met Your Mother quotes

439 quotes · page 18 of 30

How I Met Your Mother

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S6 E9Glitter

[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]

Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!

What does that supposed to mean?

It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!

Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.

[Barney quotes the sign-off phrases of multiple reality TV shows, when telling Ted that he needs to tell Punchy to leave.]

You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

OK, yeah I know...

You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

S6 E10Blitzgiving

Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!

Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!

THAT'S KATE HUDSON!

Oh yeah...That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

I'm coming with you.

No...I baste alone.

Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.

Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.

Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.

SSteve

Facial!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.

I'm coming with you.

No…I baste alone.

Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

S6 E11The Mermaid Theory

Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?

Sorry, I'm ummmm...I don't know, washing my hair.

Running the water.

Holding the towel.

I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

[Ted meets The Captain on his boat]

Where's Zoey?

Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.

Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?

S6 E12False Positive

[Barney makes a proposition to Sam Gibbs]

I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.

SGSam Gibbs

Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.

No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]

GGibbs

Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]

[to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!

[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...

And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.

I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.

[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]

So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -

And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

S6 E13Bad News

[Robin is introduced to World Wide News' anchor, who is very familiar]

WEWWN Employee

Robin, this is -

Robin!

WEWWN Employee

You two know each other?

Know each other? We've had sex! [employees are aghast]

[Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile]

Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.

I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.

Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant -- that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

S6 E14Last Words

[At the Eriksen wake, a man approaches Robin.]

MMan

I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.

I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.

MMan

I need vodka and dirty playing cards.

[looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]

[Marshall is incensed because his father's last message to him appears to be a pocket dial.]

You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher...and he was my best friend. He always came through for me...and now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [holds up his phone with scratchy electronic sounds; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You! You took my father...the greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail. [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail. It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.

Marshall...

How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]

MEMarvin Eriksen

Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? [laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]

You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also full of drugs.

"If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoon full of "sugar"? Grow up.

S6 E15Oh Honey

[Ted is trying to narrate his story to Marshall over the phone about him dropping Zoey as a friend, however...]

JEJudy Eriksen

[listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?

Mom, get off the phone!

MEMarcus Eriksen

[from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?

JEJudy Eriksen

Of course, dear.

Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.

These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.