[talking on her cellphone] It sounds awful. Is anyone even going?
[walks next to Santana and holds out her cellphone] Let me find out. [dials Artie] Did you hear?
Artie[on his cellphone] Yes. Mercedes just told me.
[pushing Artie's wheelchair] Tell them I'll go if they go.
Artie
Tell them yourselves. I ain't no Pony Express.
[rolls her eyes and turns on her headset] You're going, right?
Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry house party is not something I can do sober.
But it's Alcohol Awareness week.
Precisely and I'm aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman. [dials Puck]
[on his cellphone] Go for Puck.
Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friends score us some wine coolers?
[Everyone meets up at the same time.]
[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!
[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?
No. Designated driver. What about you?
I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]
Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.
Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.
Are you having fun, Blaine?
Yeah. This is the best party ever!
Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.
[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]
Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.
[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!
Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.
I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!
Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?
Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.
Artie
[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.
Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.
MTMercedes and Tina
[laughing hysterically]
And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.
[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!
[Everyone cheers.]
I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie. [closes her locker and leaves]
Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with- Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.
[overhears and joins her] Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.
[walking with Lauren and overhears] It was only a matter of time.
Brittany to get pregnant.
Oh. [sees Artie wheeling by] Congratulations!
Artie
For what?
You didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're going to be a baby daddy!
Artie
[silent and shocked]
In the chorus room:
All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?
Artie
[still in shock] My life is over. How am I suppose to support a baby? [turns to Brittany] How could you not tell me about this?
Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?
Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Um, babies don't get dropped off.
Wait, Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.
I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.
[looks at Brittany in shock]
[smiles and shakes his head]
Oh no, it's the salad lady.
Okay. So sex...it's just like hugging, only wetter.
Artie
Yeah it is.
Okay, so let's start with the basics. [to Finn] Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?
I have always been dubious.
[to Brittany] And Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?
I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.
[strikes the piano again]
[to Sunshine] You're a terrible spy.
Artie
Seriously, with your size, you could easily sit in the air ducts for days.
SSunshine
I'm not a spy. I heard about your benefit concert on Facebook and I wanted to preform. I know what it feels like to be an academic decathlon. No one pays attention to you. No one cares. It's not right. We studied so hard.
Yeah but you're with Vocal Adrenaline. How do we know we can trust you?
SSunshine
Because I have nothing against all of you. I have 600 Twitter followers. I can get them all to come.
How many tickets have we sold so far?
Four. No one's interested. It's sad.
SSunshine
Please, just let me show you what I can do. I would like to sing the perfect song of neglect, All By Myself. I'm such a better singer than everyone else so I know how it feels. I'm all alone at the top. Also, I'm really short, so even when I'm in a group of people I feel like I'm wandering alone in a forest.
There's no way she's singing in our auditorium, okay? She's the enemy.
I say we give her chance. I mean, you owe her Rachel. You sent her to a freakin' crackhouse.
Ugh, I'm freaking out! I have no idea what to get Rachel for Christmas!
Artie
When in doubt, go with socks!
I agree with Artie about the socks.
See? This is why I don't have a high maintenance girlfriend. Or any girlfriend, for that matter.
[putting on lotion and eavesdropping]
[Flashback ends]
Artie
We begin in the Swiss Alps, in the village of Gustad, in the perfectly appointed living room of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson's chic, swank chalet. The tree, towering and opulent; the fireplace draped in garlands; the stockings bejeweled. Kurt and Blaine, the perfect hosts, have invited their friends to drop in for an evening of Noël Coward-esque, happy, cheer-filled songs!
Are you telling me I'm not invited to Kurt and Blaine's for Christmas?
Artie
Not unless you pick a happier song. The evening's festivities conclude with Rory, dressed as the Christmas elf, Itchy, reciting Frosty the Snowman. Start with fun and end with fun. That's how you do it, kids.
Artie
I want to be there to see my kid's first steps.
I want to be there to see Sex & The City Part 3.
I'm sort of embarrassed to admit it, but I really do want to graduate high school.
I'm going to petition the Army to change my dad's dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one.
I'm looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class.
I'm looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again.
I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.
I'm looking forward to marriage equality in all fifty states.
I'm looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall.
[Everyone laughs.]
All right, everyone, listen carefully. Puck's scheduled to arrive at the Schneider's pool at 2:00 p.m., which means he should be there at 3:30. Sam, you're the driver, so stay in the car.
Well, can I play with the radio?
Rory, you're on lookout here.
Who am I looking out for? I mean, besides Puck?
Blaine, Mike and myself will triangulate a very carefully planned attack on Puck here, here and here.
Is that a bear I'm hiding behind?
But it's not a bear. It's a bush.
What's the difference between a shrub and a bush?
Artie
What do I do?
Oh, that's the best part. You're going to be the bait. So, when Puck comes in the gate, you just roll your wheelchair into the pool, and all of a sudden, we...
Glee · 1,090 quotes
